Don't do this before going to bed! It hurts your body and your heart. You must have been "hit" before!

As the saying goes, there is no overnight hatred between husband and wife. After all, they have a deep relationship, so a quarrel is nothing, they will make up the next day.

But the reality is very bleak.

Many people have had this experience: after a quarrel before going to bed, instead of making up after waking up, they are more likely to hold a grudge.

What the other person said and did last night can be remembered clearly after a night of reflection, which can be used to accumulate material for the next quarrel.

This obviously goes against the old saying that people are more likely to hold grudges if they quarrel before going to bed. What is the principle behind this?

01

Night, a catalyst for emotions

As the old song goes, it's all the moon's fault. This line actually reveals a truth: people tend to be emotional at night.

Studies have shown that people's emotions fluctuate many times a day, especially at night. In other words, people tend to think more at night. This is why many writers are used to writing at night.
If you say "I can't help you if you think that way" casually, the other person might just laugh it off during the day, but at night, it may be interpreted in many different ways. And most of the interpretations are negative, such as "Do you not love me anymore?" or "Do you want to throw the jar away?"

In fact, it is all caused by hormones in the human body. The human body has a circadian rhythm, which is the biological clock. It will adjust itself according to different external environments.

During the day, serotonin levels are high and people are in a relatively positive mood. At night, in order to help sleep, the body secretes melatonin, which reduces the level of serotonin and turns people into relatively negative people. Many people with depression have less serotonin secretion in their bodies.

If the quarrel takes place in the morning or afternoon, both parties may stick to the point and have the same goal to resolve the issue. But at night, both parties will instinctively think too much, so the quarrel will deviate from the main point and even bring up trivial matters to attack each other.

This was more than just a simple quarrel.

Of course, there is also a practical consideration. When you two have finished arguing with emotion, most of the people who can listen to you have already fallen asleep or are drowsy, and can't help you solve your problems at all. You can only bear it yourself, and the more you hold it back, the more uncomfortable you will feel.

Even if someone is a night owl, they will become emotional under the control of the circadian rhythm. They may not be able to help you analyze the problem rationally, but instead add fuel to the fire.

In short, the impact of quarrels at night on emotions is definitely much greater than at other times.

02

Sleep, upgrade the powder keg

Some people may wonder, yesterday morning, your family asked you to do something important, and although you agreed, you forgot it the moment you turned around. But why do you remember the quarrel so well after a good night's sleep?
In fact, it is sleep that acts as a catalyst. Studies have shown that after a good night's sleep, short-term memory will be transformed into long-term memory.

This is based on a similar principle to how you memorize words before bed: retroactive inhibition.

After a quarrel during the day, people tend to do other things, and the details of the quarrel and the emotions at the time will be diluted. However, after a quarrel at night and then going to bed, this unforgettable memory will be strengthened and will keep popping up thereafter.

In simple terms, later memories will constantly interfere with earlier memories. The closer something happens to sleep, the clearer it will be remembered.

One special reminder here: it is much easier to hold a grudge before going to bed than to remember other things.

This is because when you fall asleep with emotions, negative emotions will cause the amygdala and striatum of the brain to lose control and become distorted. In short, the more you sleep, the angrier you get. This means that if you encounter something happy, you may remember it twice as well after a good night's sleep, and if you encounter something unhappy, you will remember it several times more.

Here we have to bring up a cruel reality. As we mentioned above, quarrels at night are often fruitless. You hope that the other party will coax you, otherwise they will not give up, but the other party thinks you are unreasonable and wants to stop at the right time. This further deepens people's "grudge" mentality.

A study published in the American Journal of Gerontology found that among people who had argued on the same day, those who felt that the problem had been solved would not have a significant increase in negative emotions the next day, but among those who thought the problem had not been solved, their negative emotions were twice as high as that day.

Many people don’t understand why the other party falls asleep immediately after an argument and feels fine the next day, while they are the only one sulking. After reading this research, you may understand why.

03

Arguing before bedtime is very harmful

In addition to making it easy to hold grudges, quarreling before bedtime can also cause many harms to the human body.

Violent emotional fluctuations can cause a person's heart rate to increase, breathing to become rapid, and it will be difficult to fall asleep in a short period of time.

A study by Ohio University found that couples who failed to reach an agreement before bedtime slept less than 6 hours and 48 minutes, while those who failed to reach an agreement slept more than 7 hours.

If you always quarrel before going to bed, your chances of developing arthritis, cardiovascular disease and even Alzheimer's disease will increase by 10% in the long run.

For the sake of physical and mental health, regulating emotions is obviously very important.

04

How to avoid "bedtime quarrels"

Here are a few tips for reference:

1. In the few hours before going to bed, try not to talk about sensitive topics or topics that may cause disputes between the two parties.

For working people, being able to sleep a little longer is their biggest wish. It can not only eliminate the fatigue of the day, but also give them energy to start a new day's work.

A good sleep often requires maintaining a stable mood for several hours before going to bed.

Otherwise, not only will the issue to be discussed not be resolved, but the rest and work of both parties will also be affected.

2. If you can’t agree on the issue, put the dispute aside for the time being.

Many people discuss issues at night, but in fact it is because they are too busy during the day and don’t have time.

At this time, we must keep in mind that emotions fluctuate significantly at night, and discussing issues may not produce results for the time being. Once tensions arise, we must stop it in time and put the topic aside, otherwise it will only escalate.

3. Always remember to stick to the facts and avoid escalating the issue to mutual attacks.

Quarrels are often triggered by some triggers, such as an ambiguous statement when discussing something.

In fact, for both of them, the main purpose is to discuss the result, and winning or losing is not important.

If you realize that you have hurt the other person, you can choose to admit your mistake. This does not mean that you are wrong in your point of view on the issue, but just apologize for the words you just said without controlling yourself.

Maybe, when the other party sees your attitude, he or she will reflect on it and the discussion of the matter can be resolved satisfactorily.

Of course, no matter how much you understand a principle, it may be difficult to apply it when faced with practical problems.
Sometimes, it's impossible to avoid quarreling.

If you must quarrel, for the sake of your neighbors' sleeping experience and the physical and mental health of both parties, it is best to make three rules with the other party now. Once there are signs of a quarrel in the future, both parties will automatically separate and quarrel at another time.

Avoid at night and before bedtime.

References:

[1] Tammy English &Laura L. Carstensen. Emotional experience in the mornings and the evenings: consideration of age differences in specific emotions by time of day. Front Psychol. 2014; 5: 185.

[2] Serotonin: What You Need to Know retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/serotonin#functions

[3] Liu, Y., Lin, W., Liu, C., Luo, Y., Wu, J.*, Bayley, PJ, & Qin, S.* (2016). Memory consolidation reconfigures neural pathways involved in the suppression of emotional memories. Nature communications, 7(1), 1-12.

Author: Li Mi Popular Science Creator

Reviewer: Peng Zhiping, Director of the Science Department of the China Sleep Research Society