"Goodbye Love 4" is a big hit, attracting analysis from the entire network! Does she really have "borderline personality disorder"?

In the recent hit variety show "Goodbye Love 4", as the "smoked chicken incident" continued to ferment, the focus of public opinion gradually shifted to the parties involved.

Many netizens have deeply analyzed the guest's behavior and motivations on major social platforms, and some even linked his behavior to "borderline personality disorder," believing that his emotions and behavior patterns are typical. Various interpretations have emerged one after another, and this collective "accusation" and labeling phenomenon has also pushed the incident to a more complex emotional and psychological level, triggering more extensive discussions.

Image source: A social platform

But it is worth noting that "borderline personality disorder" involves professional diagnosis and requires extreme caution. Even experienced psychiatrists or psychotherapists cannot diagnose others based on a few edited videos. This not only lacks basic respect for the person involved, but is also extremely unscientific and violates professional ethics.

So what exactly is borderline personality disorder? If your partner has borderline personality disorder, how should you deal with it?

How difficult is it to diagnose borderline personality disorder?

Borderline Personality Disorder is a complex emotional and behavioral disorder characterized by extreme mood swings, significant impulsivity, unstable interpersonal relationships, a confused self-image, and a strong fear of abandonment . In short, "instability" and "impulsivity" are the biggest characteristics of borderline personality disorder.

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In fact, everyone has unstable and impulsive moments, and there are also times when they go to extremes and get stuck in a rut. People with borderline personality disorder or those with borderline personality tendencies have similar thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to us, but they are more exaggerated, more extreme, and more frequent.

For example, if a piece of chocolate can bring us 5 points of happiness, they may experience it as 10 points of joy; if our partner's occasional coldness makes us feel 8 points of sadness for a short time, they may be placed in a stormy emotional whirlpool and unable to escape; we may laugh off an unintentional joke from others, but they may feel deeply hurt by it, and even lose control of their emotions and attack and retaliate.

Therefore, people with borderline personality disorder show extraordinary enthusiasm and vitality in life. Their emotional investment is deep and pure, and their charm of love and hate is irresistible. When they are in their best state, they are smart, creative, charming, considerate, caring and helpful. However, all these beautiful things seem to be hanging by a thread and may suddenly disappear at any time, catching people off guard.

There are many descriptions and definitions of borderline personality traits. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (Fifth Edition) lists nine symptom criteria, requiring five or more of them to be initially classified as borderline:

① Try your best to avoid the feeling of being abandoned, whether it is real abandonment or imagined abandonment.

② Unstable interpersonal relationship patterns, manifested as repeated alternations between extreme idealization and extreme devaluation.

③ Significantly unstable self-image or self-perception, manifested as identity disorder.

④ Potential for self-harm impulses in at least two aspects, such as overspending, impulsive sexual behavior, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating, etc.

⑤ Repeated suicidal behavior, suicidal threats, or self-harming behavior.

⑥ Emotional instability, manifested as strong mood swings, such as irritability, irritability or anxiety, which usually last for a few hours and rarely more than a few days.

⑦ Continuous feeling of emptiness, often feeling that the inner void cannot be filled.

⑧ Inappropriate intense anger or uncontrollable anger, such as frequent temper tantrums, persistent anger, or violent impulses.

⑨Transient, stress-related paranoid ideas or severe dissociative symptoms.

However, it is difficult to fully summarize all the characteristics of borderline personality with a few simple criteria, nor can we attribute its formation to genetic inheritance, environmental factors or traumatic experiences. This is why many professionals call borderline personality disorder a "wastebasket diagnosis." Conventional traditional treatments are often difficult to work, and even experienced counselors or therapists often feel at a loss and have a headache.

Borderline personality disorder

High-demand, high-sensitivity, difficult baby

Perhaps, we can try to start from a new perspective and regard borderline personality as a temporary regression to an "attack" state similar to that of a toddler under 3 years old due to illness or major setbacks, becoming a difficult "baby" who is high-demand, highly sensitive and difficult to soothe.

From this perspective, their intense emotional reactions, erratic behavioral patterns, and extreme desire for attention and comfort all seem to have some explanation:

1

Need for constant attention and instant gratification

The emotional needs of people with borderline personality disorder seem to be as direct and simple as a baby, strong and urgent, and at the same time "pervasive", trying to occupy the space and attention of people around them, and not allowing others to ignore them. Just like a baby will show it unabashedly when it is hungry or sleepy, the emotional needs of people with borderline personality disorder will also erupt without warning, but they don't know what they really need, or even if they know, they find it difficult to express it in an appropriate way. The other party needs to guess and understand their true intentions. If the guess is right, everyone is happy, but if the guess is wrong, it may cause a strong emotional reaction or attack.

This behavior pattern may cause great pressure to people around them, because in their eyes, the needs of this "baby" who makes trouble seem to never end and is constantly challenging the boundaries of interpersonal relationships.

However, in the eyes of the "little baby" with borderline personality, these needs are vital and cannot be ignored life nutrients, just like food and water. If they cannot be obtained in time, the world will be dangerous.

2

My heart and eyes are filled with your presence

In the world of babies, mothers are everything to them. Their hearts and eyes are filled with mothers. Mothers are the source of their sense of security and their emotional support. In the emotional universe of people with borderline personality disorder, the "mother" who is relied on and needed also occupies the center of the world.

They crave for absolute security, belonging, and love from their partner, just like a baby relies on its mother. For them, "mother" is not only a supportive presence, but also the only emotional harbor. Even the slightest sign of alienation in the relationship may be magnified by them as a huge threat of "being abandoned". Just like a baby will cry when it can't feel the presence of its mother, their emotions will quickly get out of control in uneasiness, showing strong anxiety, anger or despair.

This emotional reaction may seem exaggerated, but it is actually a manifestation of their deep-seated insecurity. They long for unconditional love and companionship, but because of the fear of separation, they repeatedly test and demand, which makes both parties in the relationship exhausted.

3

Self-identity mainly depends on external feedback

As their cognitive abilities develop, infants begin to realize that "I" is an independent entity from others, entering the "differentiated self" stage. In this process, they gradually understand that they and others are separate individuals, and begin to realize that their thoughts and emotions are private and independent. As their minds develop, children understand that "what I know may not be known by others", and begin to perceive that others may have different thoughts, feelings, and intentions from themselves.

The self-identity of people with borderline personality disorder is often described as "fuzzy" or "unstable". They have difficulty clearly defining their own identity, values ​​or goals, and are highly dependent on external evaluation and feedback to confirm themselves. This confusion is very similar to the state of "undifferentiated self" in infancy.

If the primary caregiver fails to respond sensitively to the baby's emotions or needs, it may lead to a "mirror break" - the baby experiences "I can't see my existence". This loss will weaken the formation of self-identity and have a lasting impact on the ability to regulate emotions. At the same time, it may show extreme emotional instability and over-dependence on others in relationships, which are typical manifestations of borderline personality.

4

Severe and difficult to control mood swings

Babies usually express their emotions directly and strongly. Once they feel hungry, sleepy or uneasy, they will immediately vent their feelings by crying, and their emotions will change almost instantly. Because their brains are not fully developed and they lack the ability to regulate their emotions, their emotions will quickly deteriorate when their needs are not met in a timely manner. They find it difficult to comfort themselves, and more often they will express their inner discomfort or dissatisfaction through direct behaviors such as crying and fighting.

Similarly, people with borderline personality disorder also experience extremely intense and rapid mood swings. Even trivial external stimuli may trigger their excessive emotional reactions , such as sudden anger, anxiety or sadness. They also often lack effective emotional management strategies, and their mood swings are large and difficult to control.

When faced with setbacks or rejection, people with borderline personality disorder tend to lose control of their emotions, have extreme reactions, and also lack proper self-soothing methods. Therefore, when their emotions fluctuate, they tend to vent through external behaviors, such as fierce arguments, aggressive words, and even self-harming behaviors.

If you fall in love with a borderline type,

It requires dedication and patience

Whether it is a baby, a person with borderline personality, or an ordinary person, the core of life is inseparable from "sense of security".

Child attachment theory believes that the caregiver's positive attention and response to the baby is the most important and effective way for the baby to gain a sense of security and form a secure attachment with the baby. A secure attachment relationship is the cornerstone for the baby to develop a sense of trust in the world, the courage to explore the world, and the healthy development of body and mind . The same is true for borderline personality. Timely emotional response is the key to their building a sense of inner security.

When they are emotionally unstable and upset, what they need is hugging and comforting, not persuasion or convincing; in daily life, what they need is positive attention and timely response, not money or gifts. Just like when a baby cries, our first reaction is to pick them up and comfort them, not to question them:

Why are you crying? What's there to cry about?

Why are you angry? What's so irritating about this? What's the big deal?

Why are you so ignorant? So unreasonable? So endless?

The reason why you fall in love with people with borderline personality is because they are charming enough and their borderline characteristics meet your emotional needs to a certain extent.

In turn, it requires your full commitment and patience with their emotional needs. Of course, you may feel exhausted or consumed without realizing it, so understanding their inner struggles and learning to set healthy boundaries while being supportive are key to keeping the relationship healthy and stable.

True love is not only about meeting each other's emotional needs, but also about finding a balance in interaction and growing together. Seeking professional help in a timely manner when needed is also an important way to support each other and maintain a healthy relationship. It may help you break through the dilemma of "ghost wall" and get the relationship out of the consuming cycle.

References

[1] Philip Zimbardo, Robert Johnson, and Vivian McCann. (2022). Zimbardo’s General Psychology (8th edition). ISBN: 9787115581495

[2] Randy Craig. (2018). Borderline Personality Disorder. Taiwan Strait Publishing House. ISBN: 9787516820025

[3] Robert O. Friedel. (2023). Say Goodbye to a Disordered Life: A Self-Help Book for People with Borderline Personality Disorder and Their Families (Revised Edition). China Renmin University Press. ISBN: 9787300313498

[4]Ross, CA (2023). Borderline personality disorder features and their relationship with trauma and dissociation in a sample of community health service users. Borderline personality disorder and emotion dysregulation, 10(1), 22.

Planning and production

Author: Su Jing, National Level 2 Psychological Counselor

Reviewer: Fan Chunlei, Associate Researcher, Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences

Planning丨Yinuo

Editor: Yinuo

Proofread by Xu Lai and Lin Lin