On the road of parenting, these 4 minefields must be avoided

Now, some parents have fallen into a big minefield on the road of parenting, and there are more than one. I counted them and there are mainly 4. Each one is a big problem, which deserves parents' serious consideration and vigilance.

01

Minefield 1: Too much negative feedback

When we do anything, there will always be people who will give us feedback or reactions based on what we have done. Some of these feedbacks are positive, which is the so-called positive feedback; of course, there will also be negative, pessimistic, and critical, which is the so-called negative feedback.

The interaction between parents and children will of course involve such feedback, but the problem is that some parents now provide too much negative feedback to their children.

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Psychologically speaking, if a person wants to stay in any organization for a long time, there is a basic standard, that is, the ratio of positive feedback to negative feedback he receives in the group should be greater than 2.9013:1, which is called the "Losada Line". Intimate relationships should be greater than 5:1, that is, between husband and wife, between parents and children, this ratio should be greater than 5:1.

So, what is the general situation in China at present?

According to a survey, on average, for every one compliment a Chinese child receives during their growth, they are criticized six times - the reality is 1:6. Do you think a child would be happy in this situation? How could he be willing to stay in this environment?

02

Minefield 2: Infinitely extending study time

Many parents like to watch their children do their homework. What are they watching? It's the time.

Most parents want their children to spend all their time doing homework. How far have some parents gone? They not only don't let their children play, but also don't let them socialize, develop their own interests and hobbies, and don't let them relax.

What is the most troublesome thing now? Not letting the children see the sun.

According to a survey I conducted in Shanghai, 50% of minors receive no more than one hour of natural light per day.

What is the most terrible thing now? Not letting children sleep.

95% of our primary school students do not get enough sleep, 90% of junior high school students do not get enough sleep, 85% of high school students do not get enough sleep, and 100% of junior high school and senior high school students do not get enough sleep. What do you think of not letting children sleep?

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Learning efficiency is equal to the total effect of learning divided by the total time of learning. Without improving the learning effect, simply extending the learning time will reduce the learning efficiency.

Now some teachers and parents are working together to reduce the learning efficiency of China's younger generation. That is, they are indefinitely extending children's study time.

This is the mistake our generation made.

03

Minefield 3: Choosing a prestigious school

Then, there is the issue of choosing a prestigious school.

The reason why famous schools are famous must be that they have special advantages. However, this advantage may not be suitable for everyone. We should choose a school that is suitable for our children to grow up in, rather than choosing the most famous school.
If your child is at the level of Tsinghua, Peking University, Jiaotong University, or Fudan University, you should choose the best school. If your child just likes to be a chef or drive an excavator, why should he go to such a good school?

After he went there, he couldn't adapt to the environment. People around him disliked him, and he felt that the world could not accommodate him. He felt that he was a waste and a scum. But if you change to another school, he will not think so.

Choosing a school for your child is not the same as choosing a school for yourselves, so you must make this clear.

04

Minefield 4: Harming the parent-child relationship without knowing it

The last point is that it hurts relationships.

Because of a math problem or a test score, some of us parents and our children can be said to have become enemies.

In some families, before their children enter puberty and start to rebel, their parents start to rebel and even want to break off relations with their children. After the parent-child relationship is ruined, what can they use to support their children's future?

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The latest research in the United States finds that if you don’t have a good relationship with your children during adolescence, you will never be able to have a good relationship with them in your lifetime.

To put it bluntly, that is your child, your future "chosen one" to manage you. If you can't get along with him, what do you want to do?

So treat your child as a leader. He is the future chairman of your company. Why would you mess with him?

Take good care of our children.

Author: He Lingfeng, Professor of Psychology

Reviewer: Mei Jian, researcher at China Children's Center