When parents start to act unreasonable, are they just naughty kids or are they “old people gone bad”?

"What's wrong with my mother?" Xiao Wang wondered to himself when he hung up the phone.

Ten years ago, after my mother retired from her position as a university professor, her originally gentle personality began to become irritable, and she would lose her temper almost every day.

You young people, you are in your thirties and still don’t want children, where is your sense of responsibility?

You're busy with your work all day long. I told you to go to xx government agency, but you didn't go. Now you regret it, right?

I am an old man with no use! My stomach and knees hurt, but the doctor always takes my money and doesn't prescribe any medicine, saying there is nothing wrong with me!

But after a fit of rage, the mother would often call back and apologize to Xiao Wang with tears in her eyes, "I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry. I couldn't control myself..."

It would have been fine if he hadn't apologized, but this apology made Xiao Wang even more confused.

1 in 3 elderly people suffers from depression

When we think of old people, the image that comes to our minds is often that of a kind, smiling old man who is always ready to take out candy from his pocket and give it to crying children on the street.

In reality, the elderly are not always calm and happy.

The World Health Organization defines people aged 60 and above as elderly. At this stage of life, although people have a clearer understanding of the world and themselves, they will face many special problems:

Irreversible decline in bodily functions and loss of control over life;

Suffering from chronic diseases, taking cumbersome medications, restricting diets, and having no hope of recovery;

Unable to keep up with the ever-changing technological products and social culture, feeling abandoned by society;

After a lifetime of hard work, I feel worthless after retirement;

The relatives, friends, and lovers with whom I have lived for most of my life have gradually passed away, and my life has become increasingly lonely.

…

When you are young and strong and face these problems, and these problems are difficult to reverse or even become more serious, what will you become? Will you become depressed?

Old people can do it too.

A study of 17,708 Chinese elderly people showed that the proportion of people over 60 years old with depressive symptoms was as high as 35.19%.

That is to say, one out of every three elderly people suffers from depression.

Depressed old man with lost voice

You rarely hear about an elderly person suffering from depression, because depressed elderly people lose their voices. We pay attention to adolescent depression, postpartum depression, and workplace depression, but often ignore the huge number of elderly people suffering from depression.

Depression without “suppression”

The most common symptoms of depression as we know it are persistent low mood, slow movements and thinking, and loss of interest in everything.

However, the symptoms of depression in the elderly are often not so "depressed".

They often feel uncomfortable, with chest tightness, shortness of breath, headaches and insomnia, but when they go to the hospital for a checkup, the results show that everything is normal;

Depressed elderly people often suspect that they have some kind of disease - this may be excessive anxiety about their increasingly weak bodies;

You tend to lose your temper for no reason, or react negatively to something beyond a reasonable range, and become a completely different person than before;

Restless and anxious, always worried about disasters, doing things that others cannot understand in order to seek a sense of security;

I often blame myself and even recall events from the distant past, thinking that I did something wrong and let others down.

In the eyes of children and grandchildren, these behaviors seem to have nothing to do with "depression", and they may say lightly: "People get old and their tempers become strange."

Difficulty expressing depression

Many factors limit depressed elderly people from expressing their feelings.

The first big hurdle is to recognize the change in one's mood and associate it with depression. The elderly rarely express that they are in a bad mood, but often say that they are not feeling well, have trouble sleeping, or have poor digestion, and then seek help from the internal medicine and surgery departments of the hospital, ignoring their spiritual needs.

After realizing that they may be depressed, some elderly people will have a sense of shame about their illness, believing that mental disorders and diseases are caused by "madness" or "brain damage."

Some elderly people are very afraid of causing trouble to their children, so they choose to endure it themselves.

This reminded me of what my friend told me about his hometown: In that remote village, there are many elderly people living alone because their spouses have been widowed or their children have moved away. "Every year, several commit suicide. Those who have the strength hang themselves or jump into the river, while those who don't have the strength drink pesticides."

Suicide is the most extreme silent expression of a voiceless, depressed old man.

Caregivers have limited energy

When I was volunteering at a nursing home, 68-year-old Grandma Li told me about her experience:

"I'm old and often feel unwell. I tell the nurse about it, and she always tells me, 'You should know that when people get old they will feel unwell,'" said Grandma Li.

"When I hear this, I always argue with people, but when I think back, I really shouldn't have been so stubborn. I really caused trouble for others. It was totally wrong."

Denying your own legitimate needs and feeling guilty about making them are clear signs of depression.

But when communicating with the nursing home staff, they looked embarrassed: "We have limited staff, and most of the time we have no experience in dealing with depression in the elderly. We are busy enough just taking care of the elderly's living needs and physical health."

If this is the case even for professional nursing homes, it is probably even more difficult for busy children and community workers to have the energy to pay attention to the mental health of the elderly.

Being alive is good enough, why do we need mental health?

We encourage young people to pursue happiness, joy and achievement, but our expectation for the elderly is that "it's good enough to be alive."

In fact, when people reach old age, they also have spiritual and psychological needs at this stage.

When people reach middle adulthood (40 to 65 years old), they will have the need to take care of the next generation. This need is not only met by giving birth to the next generation, but also by educating students, helping young colleagues, etc.

If people can adjust the gap between reality and ideal at this stage, they can gain a sense of reproduction, feel that they are valuable, and that a part of themselves has been inherited and continued.

If this need is not met, people will experience psychological stagnation, and the feeling of stagnation can easily lead to emotions such as helplessness, loneliness, and despair.

In late adulthood (age 65+), people develop a need to integrate themselves.

People at this age begin to look back on their lives. If they do not have any major regrets and recognize their own value from the past, they will gain a sense of self-perfection and experience satisfaction and pride.

If not, emotions such as guilt and resentment may follow.

"Being alive" is far from enough for the elderly.

If your parent is depressed

If you read the above and find that your parents may be depressed, in addition to taking them to a professional psychiatric department or psychological counseling center, there is also a very simple method.

From the causes of depression in the elderly, we found that there is an action that can alleviate the problem from the source - spend more time with them.

As a child, you must be at the busiest age, and perhaps you have young children to take care of, so you have no time and energy to accompany the elderly.

I understand your difficulties and I don't recommend you to exhaust yourself to take care of your parents. In fact, companionship can be very simple.

Call or video chat with your parents once a week. Even 10 minutes is enough. Tell them about your life and listen to them talk about theirs. Remember to smile more.

Add the city where your parents live to the weather app, and remind them when they see the weather changes. They will definitely know to put on more clothes and bring an umbrella, but your reminder is really warm.

If you find delicious food, send a portion to your parents. Although your parents may say "don't buy random things", they must be very happy in their hearts.

When you have different ideas from your parents, be less critical.

A friend once said to me, "You have no idea, my parents have a very bad temper. A few days ago, they wanted to buy health products, and they were almost cheated out of thousands of yuan by a swindler..."

I told him that this was also a good opportunity for communication.

In this case, instead of blaming your parents for being "old and confused", it is better to ask them why they want to buy health products.

The friend later learned that his parents felt that they were old and useless, and were afraid that his illness would become a burden to them, so they wanted to use health supplements to keep him healthy.

Although "understanding" cannot directly solve the problem, "understanding" itself has great value.

If you are a neighbor

When the end of life is clearly and firmly waiting for them, the elderly can feel that they have not much time left, which will lead them to seek more social support[6].

As a neighbor, there are many small things you can do for the elderly around you.

Help the elderly in the community carry heavy objects, wish them a happy holiday in the elevator, say hello to the elderly in the corridor... Don't feel embarrassed, the elderly will think you are very warm and lovely, and you may even have a good friend regardless of age.

In short, the elderly are already lonely, so don’t let them get older in greater loneliness.

Wu Yanshu, who plays the role of the mother in the recent hit movie "Mom," is 84 years old this year. She said, "It's never too late to start a new life."

This applies to older people - whether we are 60 or 90, we can always start to be honest with ourselves and treat ourselves sincerely.

This also applies to young people - whether we are 10 or 30 years old, we can always give more attention and support to the elderly, because they are our tomorrow.

References

[1]Zhou, L., Ma, X., & Wang, W. (2021). Relationship between cognitive performance and depressive symptoms in Chinese older adults: the China Health and Retirement Longitudinal Study (CHARLS). Journal of Affective Disorders, 281, 454-458.

[2]https://mp.weixin.qq.com/s/F8b3gIpKdFSiILEVWLXp3Q

[3]Darling-Fisher, CS (2019). Application of the modified Erikson psychosocial stage inventory: 25 years in review. Western Journal of Nursing Research, 41(3), 431-458.

[4]Huxhold, O., Miche, M., & Schüz, B. (2014). Benefits of having friends in older ages: Differential effects of informal social activities on well-being in middle-aged and older adults. Journals of Gerontology Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences, 69(3), 366-375.

Author: Guo Lanxin

Editor: Li Xiaokui

Cover image source: Tuchong Creative

Guokr (ID: Guokr42)

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