Why is it so difficult for contemporary women to overcome "exquisite shame"?

High heels shame, diamond ring shame, makeup shame, etc., all kinds of exquisite shame have recently become hot topics on social media.

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Have you ever had this experience: you bought a lot of nice clothes but didn't dare to wear them out, for fear that you would be stared at by countless eyes of people around you after you dressed up carefully? This feeling is very uncomfortable, so you are even more reluctant to wear beautiful clothes to go out.

"Exquisite shame syndrome", a new Internet symptom, resonates with many young people. What exactly is "Exquisite shame syndrome"? Why do many young people have "Exquisite shame syndrome"? Let's talk about it in detail today.

Where does shame come from?

As the name suggests, exquisite shame is also a type of shame. It refers to a special psychological experience in which people feel nervous, cramped, and uncomfortable once they dress up beautifully. They may even be afraid to go out and meet people, fearing that they will become the focus of others' discussions. When people with "exquisite shame" are praised for their good looks, they will think that it is just a polite remark from others; but once they are told that they are not good-looking, they will find it difficult to let it go.

This special psychological experience is different from the single and strong emotions of joy, anger, sorrow and happiness. It is a very complex emotion that stems from the profound influence of social culture on the formation of individuals . When a person experiences or participates in certain behaviors, events or situations, if they feel that they have failed to meet social norms or personal expectations, they will feel shame.

The origin of shame can be traced back to the growth process and the formation of values ​​in childhood. We receive education and corresponding values ​​in our family, school and society, and we identify with them. When we cannot meet the requirements of these values, we will feel inferior to others. At this time, a strong sense of shame will occupy our brains and make us work hard to achieve these goals.

How do you tell whether you are moderately ashamed or excessively ashamed? Shame is essentially how you view yourself. Excessive shame is basically related to personal experiences. You recall that you felt so ashamed that you scratched your toes on the soles of your shoes, but others have no impression of it. The shame you feel when these situations happen is actually excessive shame, because the only person who really cares is you .

A moderate sense of shame makes us reflect on our own behavior, our roles and behaviors in society, and promotes individuals to form stable moral concepts and social behavioral norms. However, some people are easily affected by various factors and become very prone to shame, especially these two:

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1. Incorrect family education methods

In the process of growing up, parents always like to belittle and scold their children, and like to repeat their children's shortcomings and constantly deny them. Such children will definitely accept and identify with their parents' ideas consciously or unconsciously. In order to meet the high standards and strict requirements of their parents, some children will do everything possible to do their best. When they grow up, they will still retain this habit, striving to be perfect in every detail to gain the recognition of others, so that they cannot tolerate their own failures at all .

Other children cannot achieve their goals even if they try their best. Coupled with their parents' belittling and scolding, they choose to give up, completely give up competition and become obsessed with things that can bring them a sense of accomplishment, such as novels or games. On the surface, they look cynical, and parents and teachers think they have no shame at all. In fact, what they do is to avoid shame.

2. Fear of being different from others

Those who are extremely sensitive to other people's evaluations and pay attention to other people's opinions and social recognition are also more likely to feel shame . Unlike the previous type of people who are indoctrinated with ideas, these people are born to attach great importance to other people's opinions of themselves. Their inner world is controlled by a huge road map. They always refer to the actions of the people around them and hope that their own behavior will be more in line with norms and requirements.

If they can do better in some aspects, they will feel at ease, thinking that they are the same as others or even better and more in line with the society's definition of "excellence"; if they find that they lag behind the group or choose to do things differently, they will be afraid that they are far away from the evaluation norms of their group and appear weird in the eyes of others, and then they begin to feel ashamed and try their best to return to the norms recognized by others.

Moderate shame brings positive effects, while excessive shame brings more negative effects

A moderate sense of shame has a positive impact. It can remind individuals that they have violated certain moral norms or codes of conduct, prompting them to reflect, introspect and improve their behavior. It can also encourage individuals to become more moral, responsible and have a good sense of morality.

But more often, shame is a rather painful experience. It causes the person to experience a mixture of negative emotions such as anxiety, guilt, closure and inferiority, which have a negative impact on mental health and interpersonal relationships, and undermine a person's self-confidence and positive attitude.

In order to escape or alleviate shame, some people will actively choose to avoid social interactions, avoid the attention of others or avoid showing themselves. The huge shame brought by "being too embarrassed to see people" and "social death" is always shrouded in their hearts, which may lead to isolation, social anxiety and tension in interpersonal relationships .

Shame may also have an impact on a person's self-identity and self-image. In ancient China, there was a cruel punishment called "toning the hair", which was to cut off the criminal's hair. For the ancients who believed that "the body and hair are inherited from parents", this punishment did not hurt the body but made life worse than death. The huge mental pressure and shame made the criminal lose face, and their self-esteem and self-worth were endlessly tortured, and they believed that they were an existence with no value in life.

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How to deal with this sense of shame?

1. Acceptance and recognition: In fact, there is no need to feel ashamed of many things in our lives. What we are afraid of is that we are not worthy of and cannot meet the standards defined by society . We are too strict with ourselves, so we fall into self-humiliation unknowingly. First of all, we must realize that everyone has such an experience, accept that shame is a normal and common emotion, and regard it as a part of personal growth and development.

2. Explore the root cause: Understand the specific triggers behind your shame and try to understand its origin and cause . It may be your parents, elders, teachers, friends, or a major event that affected you. You can explore the cause of shame through introspection and communication with trusted people.

3. Positive evaluation: In fact, we may not be so terrible in the eyes of others. Maybe in the eyes of others, you are just temporarily in a trough, or you still achieve great feats despite failure. Shift the focus to your positive traits, achievements and values. Find personal strengths and learn to praise yourself to enhance self-esteem and confidence .

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4. Build a support system: Seek support and understanding from family and friends, and share your feelings and experiences. Their encouragement and support can help reduce the negative impact of shame. At the same time, tell yourself that as long as what you do does not hurt others and does not disrupt normal public order, you don’t have to feel ashamed . You might as well be bolder in accepting change, and there may be bigger surprises waiting for you.

5. Seek professional help: Some people are too constrained by their own ideas and cannot rely on friends and family to alleviate their sense of shame, which causes serious distress to their personal life and mental health. It is recommended to seek psychological counseling or treatment. Professionals can provide more in-depth guidance and help those in need get out of trouble as soon as possible .

Shame is a complex emotional experience that has a wide range of effects on people's emotions, behaviors, and psychology. A moderate sense of shame can promote personal growth and development and inspire our motivation. However, excessive shame may lead to negative effects, limit our performance, and even suppress our normal needs and more possibilities, which requires effective self-mentality management to regulate .

Author: Tang Yicheng, member of the Science Popularization Committee of the Chinese Psychological Society, Wang Xiang, science popularization author

Reviewer: Fan Chunlei, Associate Researcher, Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences