These 3 characteristics in an intimate relationship are reminding you: Run away!

Not long ago, a 21-year-old game power leveler named "Fat Cat" jumped into a river in Chongqing and died. This incident caused a heated discussion on the Internet.

Recently, there was news online that the case related to Fat Cat has been officially handed over to the public security organs for handling.

Fat Cat's death is closely related to his "girlfriend" and "romance". The details need to be confirmed by the public security organs, but based on the current information, this "romance" is definitely not normal and can even be called toxic.

Love is a journey of sweetness and pain. It is normal to have quarrels and stumbles, but it is more about companionship, understanding and growth between each other. If you find yourself exhausted and tied up in this relationship, or even like a beast trapped in an invisible cage, knowing that something is wrong but unable to struggle, then you need to be alert to whether you have fallen in love with a "toxic lover" and fallen into the quagmire of a "toxic relationship".

What does a toxic relationship look like? How can you tell if you have met the wrong person? "Toxic lovers" lead to "toxic relationships", so identifying "toxic lovers" is the first line of defense to stay away from "toxic relationships". "Toxic lovers" are like mandrakes, charming and mysterious, seemingly charming but secretly poisonous, and like vampires, seemingly elegant but wanting to suck your blood. Such "toxic lovers" usually have the following three characteristics. If you find these signs during the relationship, you must be vigilant!

Elusive and unpredictable

"Toxic lovers" are very good at "beating you with a stick and giving you a date". They express their love sweetly one second and turn hostile the next, and the cycle continues.

This unpredictability will make it impossible for partners to feel in control of their partners, and they can only look for reasons in themselves: "Did I say something wrong? Did I not do well enough?" As a result, the victim takes all the responsibility but expects the other person's "good side" to appear in the next moment.

Then why do some people still stick around despite being treated like this?

This is because being tortured by "elusiveness" is painful, but the sudden "good for you" is surprising and sweet. Cognitive neuroscience research has found that when rewards come unexpectedly, dopamine secretion will be more vigorous. At the same time, when you are looking forward to and waiting for the next "reward" that is difficult to predict but has a high probability of appearing, dopamine secretion will continue to rise, reaching its peak when you finally get the "reward".

Intermittent rewards and punishments bring a painful and happy experience, but also lead to the dilemma of "knowing that he/she is a jerk, but unable to struggle". Because every "good" is like a sweet candy, making people temporarily forget the previous pain; and every "bad" is like a sharp knife, making people suffer, but because they look forward to the next "good", they have to continue to endure.

Always taking, rarely investing

Intimate relationships are a two-way journey. However, "toxic lovers" are often self-centered, focusing only on their own needs and interests, and not caring about their partner's efforts and feelings.

Therefore, establishing an intimate relationship with a "toxic lover" often makes people feel exhausted and frustrated. Because no matter how hard you try, you can't satisfy their endless needs and desires. And when you need their support and care, they often turn a blind eye or even be indifferent.

Only promises, no action

The third skill that toxic lovers have mastered is "faking the future." They are very good at painting a pie in the sky, weaving a seemingly beautiful and attractive blueprint for the future, in order to extinguish their partner's desire to escape and stabilize their impulse to resist. For example, I will marry you and give you a warm family; or I will reform myself and love you wholeheartedly.

However, these promises are often just castles in the air, without substantial actions and plans to support them. They may say nice things, but when it comes to actually putting them into practice, they will find all kinds of excuses and reasons to avoid responsibility, such as, I'm not ready yet, we don't have a house yet, I can't leave this job now, let's wait until we save enough money, etc.

Four common routines of "poisoning"

There are thousands of ways that toxic lovers can manipulate people, but they will almost always follow and repeat a few routines to "poison" you:

1

Use "idealization" to bombard you with sweet bombs

"Love comes from nowhere, how deep is it?" seems to perfectly explain the mystery and magic of romantic love. From ancient times to the present, few people can resist the temptation of romantic love.

Toxic lovers take advantage of this weakness of people and bombard you with sweet bombs in an "idealized" way, such as:

Claim that you are the first person who is truly kind to him/her and the most special person in his/her life;

Describe you as his/her most ideal partner, unmatched and irreplaceable;

His words are full of praise and admiration for you, and he expresses his appreciation for you generously;

Describing you as almost perfect, as if you are the incomparable existence in his/her heart, making you firmly believe that you are the only one in his/her world.

A "toxic lover" can make you feel that he/she loves you so deeply and is obsessed with you just through sweet words, and will gradually break down your defenses and attack your fortress.

2

Use "pretending to be pitiful" to make your sympathy overflow

Of course, some "toxic lovers" are very good at adapting their approach to different people. If they find that you are not someone who is easily intoxicated by romantic love, they will switch to the strategy of "trauma dumping."

That is, when the two of you are not yet so familiar and close, they will "open their hearts" to you without reservation, share with you how miserable and pitiful they were when they were young, how fragile they are now and how much they need care, and express to you how much they long for a warm family in the future, in order to win your sympathy and pity.

Therefore, if someone you meet for the first time or someone you have just met not long ago launches a fierce offensive towards you or reveals excessive vulnerability, you should sound the alarm in your heart , open your eyes, observe more, listen more, and investigate more. It is never too cautious.

3

Trampling your self-esteem with "devaluation"

The first goal of a "toxic lover" is to lure you into a "love trap" with "sweet bullets", but the ultimate goal of a "toxic lover" is to make you willingly and without resistance to be manipulated and exploited.

When a person's self-esteem hits rock bottom, they are prone to cognitive confusion and self-doubt, and it is difficult for them to maintain interpersonal boundaries and stick to their own positions, giving "toxic lovers" an opportunity to take advantage of them. Therefore, "devaluation" is often the second step of "toxic lovers" to "poison" you:

You used to do everything right and were always so considerate, but now you can’t do anything right, and can’t even do simple housework;

You used to be great in every way, both in appearance and in character, and you fascinated me. But now you are inferior in every way, and you can’t even show me the most basic concern.

…

Or:

On the one hand, they blame you for being too busy with work and not spending time with him/her, and on the other hand, they belittle you for not making enough for both of you;

On the one hand, they complain that you are too far away and are forced to have a long-distance relationship, while on the other hand, they find all kinds of excuses to refuse you from coming forward;

…

Toxic lovers devalue their partners by mocking, sarcasm, criticizing or ignoring them, causing the victim to doubt themselves, reduce their self-confidence and even feel worthless :

Without him, I am nothing;

I only have her. If I leave her, I will never find someone who loves me again.

It's because I'm not good enough, not working hard enough, and not doing enough.

4

Use "abandon" to throw you away like garbage

When you obey their orders without complaint, swallow your anger and make compromises, and give everything willingly, even if you just euphemistically express your hope that they can fulfill their promises, you may encounter their rage, indifference, neglect, evasion, or even abandonment. For example, they may not reply to messages, answer calls, or take the conversation, block you as a friend, disappear without reason, or never send you any news, or kick you out of the house, or use the excuse that you are incompatible and it is better to part ways amicably...

However, when you feel discouraged and want to let go of yourself and the other person, the "toxic lover" will come back and start a new round of "sweet bombing", making you fall into the "toxic cycle" of "idealization-being degraded-being abandoned" and it is difficult to escape.

If you find yourself experiencing this cycle of emotional abuse, be sure to take immediate action, stay away from toxic lovers, and keep relevant evidence if necessary. In short, cutting off all ties with toxic lovers is the most effective strategy to stay away from toxic relationships.

Conclusion

Please remember! It is not your fault to be in a toxic relationship, and it is not because you are too weak to escape! "Toxic relationships" have too many forms and are too hidden; and "toxic lovers" have too many routines and are difficult to identify.

The basic assumption of interpersonal relationships should be safety and trust, which are the cornerstones of our relationships with others. However, this can easily lead us to relax our vigilance when interacting with others, giving "toxic lovers" an opportunity to take advantage of us and gradually lead us into a relationship full of negative energy.

Therefore, learning to identify "toxic relationships" and "toxic lovers" requires us to remain vigilant, clearly define relationship boundaries, bravely express our feelings, and pay attention to our own needs.

References

[1] Stephanie Moulton-Sarkis. Healing Hidden Abuse: 10 Practical Ways to Recover from Psychological Abuse. Beijing: China Machine Press. 2023.

[2]Carnes, P. (1997). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. HCI.

[3]Ocklenburg, S. (2020). Falling in Love with Someone You Shouldn't. Psychology Today.

[4]Eboni J Baugh and Donna Davis. “Breaking out of Unhealthy Marital Interactions.” EDIS (2012).

[5]Denise Salin. "The Significance of Gender for Third Parties' Perceptions of Negative Interpersonal Behavior: Labelling and Explaining Negative Acts." (2011). 571-591.

[6]Michael M. Levy and T. Gumpel. "Self-Efficacy and External Locus of Control as Predictors of Participant Roles in Relational Aggression." Journal of Interpersonal Violence (2020). NP3015 - NP3040.

[7]J. Schwabe and M. Gollwitzer. "Explaining third-party reactions in interpersonal conflicts: A role-taking approach." (2020). 902 - 920.

Planning and production

Author: Su Jing, National Level 2 Psychological Counselor

Reviewer: Yang Xiaoyang, Associate Professor, School of Psychology, Sichuan Normal University

Planning丨Ding Zong

Editor: Ding Zong

Proofread by Xu Lai and Lin Lin