Suddenly blocking someone for no reason, does that mean you have a dark mentality?

Key Points

★ People with the "Dark Triad" are more likely to use "suddenly cutting off contact" as a way to end a relationship.

★ Your lover is fine but you often lose contact with him/her? He/she may be in a borderline state.

★ A sudden disconnection deprives the other party of the ability to obtain relevant information, which is more sad than an ordinary breakup.

Imagine this scenario: you are in love, and one morning you wake up and suddenly find that your lover has deleted you as a friend for no reason. He/she no longer answers your calls or text messages. You gradually realize that you have been dumped without any signs. At this time, you may think to yourself: I was dumped!

Everyone may have experienced being blocked suddenly. The other person disappears from your life without any prelude, leaving you alone in the wind. Is it a disease to suddenly lose contact? Is habitual disconnection a psychological disorder? How to deal with the dilemma of being dumped for no reason? Let's explore the secrets behind this heartbreaking disconnection.

01

Be careful! People who disappear may have "unscrupulous syndrome"

In fact, the word "being scumbag" implies a key person - "scumbag man" or "scumbag woman". In many psychological studies, the characteristics of this type of people can usually be summarized in one term: Dark Triad (DT for short). Let's first take a quick look at the three personality traits that the "Dark Triad" refers to:

Narcissism: likes to be noticed and admired, enjoys the feeling of superiority and power among the crowd, is vain and arrogant; has a strong desire to show off, and usually gives a good first impression;

Psychopathy: impulsive and enthusiastic, possessive, likes to pursue adventure and excitement, egocentric, and will do anything to achieve the goal;

Machiavellianism: mercenary, cold-blooded, subjective pursuit of money, status and power; good at deceiving and exploiting other people's feelings.

Francis Underwood, the protagonist of the American TV series "House of Cards", fits the "Dark Triad" very well. | giphy

The important characteristics of these three types of people in relationships are: playing with other people's feelings for self-satisfaction, and deceiving or hurting the other party. That is, developing multiple ambiguous objects at the same time, not wanting to develop long-term relationships and taking responsibility. People who meet the "Dark Triad" are accustomed to suddenly cutting off short-term relationships, and are more accepting of one-night stands and casual relationships.

Just like the lyrics say, "He doesn't feel bad, he just wants freedom, he doesn't care about my feelings." People with the cold "Dark Triad" do not feel "bad" at all when they cut off relationships , which is related to the damage or loss of "mirror neuron" function.

The researchers selected serious criminals in American prisons as research subjects, screened out "psychopaths" through psychological tests, and then showed them images of painful scenes and asked them to imagine themselves as the victims in the scenes.

In the experiment, the MRI showed that the areas of their brains that process emotions were "lit up", indicating that they themselves could perceive pain; but when they were asked to imagine that someone else was experiencing the pain, there was no signal response in these areas - the neural circuits that enable them to empathize were "broken". In other words, it is futile to expect them to experience the loss of being disconnected from you .

The villain Joker in the Batman movie is a sadist who enjoys torturing others. He lacks the empathy that ordinary people have. | tenor

It is worth mentioning that psychologists have recently discovered a fourth personality trait of "bad men" or "bad women" - "everyday sadism", forming the "dark four corners". People with everyday sadistic personalities have a desire to make others suffer, and they even feel pleasure when they see others suffer. If the person you like is always distant and "disappearing", making you often fall into a painful cycle of "disconnecting - establishing contact - disconnecting again", you need to be alert to the other person's "everyday sadism" tendency.

02

Disconnection may be a form of self-protection

Of course, if your lover often suddenly “disconnects”, it may not necessarily be a sign of the “Dark Triad”. Many people who fall into “ borderline states ” also have the habit of “blocking” others at the first sign of a disagreement.

Usually, people with borderline status have strong polarized views on relationships . Sometimes, they idealize their partners, thinking that they are the ones who understand them best and love them the most; sometimes, they may overly belittle their partners, thinking that they are irresponsible and have not made any contribution. Therefore, their status in intimate relationships is often very entangled, and it is difficult for them to tell whether they love or hate a person.

"He loves me, he doesn't love me, he loves me, he doesn't love me..." | tenor

This kind of fluctuating mentality will often cause people with borderline states to break off contact with their lovers. After their emotions stabilize, the relationship may be restored. Of course, under certain conditions, repeated breaking off of relationships may even occur. Unlike people who meet the "Dark Triad" who break off contact, people in a borderline state block others just to protect themselves. It is an "over-defense" behavior to avoid being abandoned . Of course, this fear of being abandoned is often not in line with reality and only exists in the imagination of people in a borderline state.

It is worth mentioning that many people may experience similar states under certain special conditions, and only when the above characteristics are exhibited continuously and for a long time can we call it a borderline state.

If a person's borderline state is very strong and has a serious impact on his or her social relationships and health, he or she may be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). Some BPD patients can maintain normal work and are only affected in close relationships (such as family, love or marriage); while some patients have suicidal tendencies and behaviors and need to be hospitalized.

03

What should I do if I am frequently blocked?

No matter what the situation is, being blocked suddenly by someone close to you is not a good experience. Humans are social animals, and socializing is a way of survival. Based on the "clues" provided by the social environment, we can know how to respond in social places. Social cues guide us and regulate our behavior.

In an intimate relationship, social communication is an essential part. But once one party suddenly disappears during a breakup, we won’t get any clues. The disappearance of one party deprives the other party of the ability to get social clues . At this time, we will feel emotionally unbalanced, extremely frustrated and helpless.

Being abandoned can even be psychologically traumatic. | tenor

The most insidious aspect of disappearance is that it causes you to doubt yourself and repeat questions in your mind. Why didn't I see the signs? Why did I have such poor judgment? What can I do to avoid being hurt? When this kind of rejection occurs, a person's self-esteem is reduced . If you encounter this kind of disappearance in multiple intimate relationships, the rejection will become more and more painful and take longer to overcome.

However, there is no need to be too vigilant. According to the data, the incidence of antisocial personality disorder in the East Asian cultural circle where China is located is far lower than that in the European and American cultural circles, probably due to various cultural and educational reasons. In Europe and the United States, the incidence rate has reached a terrifying 4.3% to 9.4%, but in the East Asian cultural circle, it is only 0.3%.

In true love, no one will give up easily. | tenor

Therefore, even if we see people who meet the "Dark Triad" in our lives, they are very rare. Fortunately, even if your lover really has the "Dark Triad", he/she will not easily give up the long-term and stable relationship between you, just like normal people.

Finally, even if the person who disappears is not a person with the "Dark Triad" who has lost all conscience, this behavior is still a passive-aggressive interpersonal strategy. Disappearing and being indifferent may not seem to cause any verbal or physical harm, but the degree of harm is usually more severe than these. So, when you encounter this kind of friend who disappears after a breakup, please turn around as soon as possible, maintain your dignity, and let him/her leave quietly.

Author | Tang Yicheng China Science Popularization Mental Health Promotion Center

Review | Chen Zhiyan Associate Researcher, Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences

Editor | Jiang Fan

Editor | Ding Zong

References

1. Farrell, JM, Shaw, IA, & Webber, MA. (2018). Corrigendum to "a schema-focused approach to group psychotherapy for outpatients with borderline personality disorder: a randomized controlled trial" [(j. behav. ther. exp. psychiatr.) 40 (2) (june 2009) 317–328]. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, S0005791618300983.

2. Paulhus, DL, & Williams, KM. (2002). The dark triad of personality: narcissism, machiavellianism, and psychopathy - sciencedirect. Journal of Research in Personality, 36(6), 556-563.

3. Widiger, T., Hare, R., Rutherford, M., Corbitt, EM, Hart, SD, & Woody, G., et al. (1996). Dsm-iv antisocialpersonality disorder field trial. J Abnorm Psychol, 105(1), 3-16.

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