The only difference between "social phobia" and "social bull" is a greeting

Editor's note: If you open the search software and enter "social phobia" to search, you will find that there are as many as 100 million related results. Does such a huge number mean that "social phobia per capita" has been achieved? According to the results of a questionnaire survey conducted by China Youth Daily on college students across the country, more than 80% of the college students interviewed said that they have "social phobia". What caused this situation? November 21 is World Hello Day. Let us enter the world of "social phobia".

The original term "social phobia" refers to a social anxiety disorder, a mental illness suffered by a small number of young people. What we are discussing here is not this traditional mental illness, but more like a cultural label that young people give themselves.

1

Why are there more and more cases of social phobia?

In a sense, social phobia is the result of contemporary young people adapting to the environment.

I still remember when I was a kid, playing games with the kids from the neighborhood after school was an essential part of the day. Kids from the neighborhood would often get together to skip rubber bands, throw sandbags, play hide-and-seek, and play eagle-and-chicken. Boys would squat under the wall and play "pinball" together. The alleys were filled with the laughter of their friends. In the process of such collective games, socializing is a very natural thing, and children have been accustomed to being close to others since childhood. However, modern students are under great academic pressure. After school, they are busy with various extracurricular classes and homework, and have no time to "chase and play" together. In addition, people have moved into buildings, and after a few years, no one may know who lives next door.

The rise of smart products has also contributed to the phenomenon of social phobia. Online social interaction has replaced real-life social interaction, and people are used to expressing their opinions behind the screen, and seeing the words is like seeing the face; but through text expression, there is sufficient room for response, while face-to-face communication requires instant response from both parties, and attention to social etiquette, which has also exacerbated people's discomfort with face-to-face communication.

There are also various life service apps. In the past, there were some "mandatory" social occasions in life, such as going to the market to buy vegetables and going to restaurants to eat, which can also be understood as light social interaction, but now even these most basic survival needs can be met without meeting real people.

In short, modern people live a fast-paced life and face great pressure to survive, so they are unwilling to spend time and energy on face-to-face socializing.

2

What are people with social phobia afraid of?

Social etiquette. When interacting face to face, you will inevitably have to pay attention to whether your words and actions are in line with the current situation, such as your clothing, speech, manners, etc. For people who are used to virtual social interaction behind the screen, it is indeed too cumbersome to spend time thinking about these aspects.

The embarrassment of having nothing to say. When socializing face to face, people want to have common topics to discuss, but they are afraid of having no common language and being unable to talk together, which may cause embarrassment and even cause unhappiness during the conversation.

Longing for recognition. They are always worried that their performance is not good enough, which will cause the other party to have a negative evaluation of them; they are also worried that the other party will not be interested in the content of the conversation and think they are boring; although they long for the other party's recognition, they are afraid that their performance will not be satisfactory and counterproductive.

Yes, people with social anxiety are frightened by the imagined discomfort.

3

How to overcome social phobia?

Don't expect everyone to like you. Say to yourself three times loudly: "I am not RMB, it is impossible for everyone to like me!" Yes, the relationship between people is complex and diverse, and everyone has different preferences. How can one person be liked by everyone? Give up this unrealistic idea.

Lower your expectations of socializing. People are the sum of all social relationships. Deep down, we always hope to gain recognition from others, and always feel that we are worthless if we are not recognized. However, a sense of value cannot be truly gained through recognition from others, because the sense of value gained through the evaluation of others is not solid and can easily collapse due to different evaluations from others. We must learn to love ourselves, enrich ourselves through continuous self-growth, build self-confidence through doing things, and gain a true sense of value. When we recognize ourselves in our hearts, our expectations for socializing will become more rational.

Simply express yourself. For example, before communicating with someone face to face, you can prepare a topic. Don't anticipate how the other person will view this topic, and don't play a "little movie" in your mind, "showing" the scenes that may happen next. Just express yourself. In the process of expressing yourself, you will find that the disaster scenes you are worried about will basically not happen, and there are likely to be surprises during the communication process, because it is easy to fall into an information cocoon in online social networking, chatting about similar things with similar people, while in the real world, due to various coincidences, you will meet all kinds of people, and the spark of communication may burst out inadvertently.

Find a suitable scene for chatting. A dinner party is actually a good place to break the ice. Even if you can't start a topic, you can still continue eating. Of course, there are also some rules for what to eat. In places with a strong sense of life, such as hot pot and skewers, it is easy for everyone to let down their guard and start a topic in a lively environment. You can also make an appointment to play scripts or poker, which require communication on a certain topic. Everyone will get to know each other and become friends without realizing it.

Communicate sincerely. In the process of communication, there is a key point - "sincerity". Don't try to play other roles, because that is not you. Only by being yourself can you show your unique charm. Sincere expression with a sense of relaxation can naturally communicate with others and attract people with whom you are destined to be. It is also a good way to filter friends. I think of the classic line in a certain art work: "Go dance as if no one is watching." You might as well go socialize as if you don't care about other people's feedback.

Don't label yourself. It seems to have become fashionable for young people to call themselves "socially anxious". Putting themselves in this circle seems to have found a sense of belonging, but it is easy to fall into the trap of "self-fulfilling prophecy". The "self-fulfilling prophecy" in psychology is also known as the "Rosenthal effect", which means that when a person is expected to perform well, he often exhibits the expected behavior; on the contrary, when he is predicted to have bad behavior, this prophecy often becomes a reality. When we label ourselves as "socially anxious", we will pay more attention to information that matches this characteristic, and slowly, we will become more and more socially anxious.

4

What if you really don’t want to socialize?

Of course, if you really don't like socializing and your social phobia doesn't affect your daily life, study, or work, then make your alone time more meaningful. You can spend more time with your family and pets. Because you have more time alone, you can also explore certain areas and cultivate hobbies, such as reading, painting, handcrafting...

References:

Gregg, Zimbardo, Wang Lei. Psychology and Life[M]. Posts and Telecommunications Press, 2014.

Gu Qinxuan. Organizational Behavior［M］. Shanghai: Shanghai People's Publishing House, 2007. 125.

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Author: Yu Yin, deputy editor-in-chief of Beijing China Science Popularization Center for Mental Health Promotion

Editor: Guru