Why do some people spoil the fun the moment they open their mouths?

Recently, topics about "killing friends" and "killing parents" have frequently been trending. Many netizens have expressed that they often encounter some very killing behaviors in life:

For example, when you share something that makes you happy with a friend, he/she may act indifferent and say, "What's there to be happy about?

For example, when I told my best friend that I wanted to achieve some goals, she would pour cold water on me and say, “Forget it!

For example, when I excitedly share my achievements with my parents, my parents always say, "Are you proud of this? Look at other people's children!"

Why do some people always say things that spoil the fun of others? Let’s talk about it in detail today.

Image source: screenshot of Xiaohongshu

It is really difficult for a person who kills the fun to be happy for others.

Whenever we meet someone who spoils our fun, we always complain: "Why do they always spoil our fun when we are clearly sharing our joy? Is it so difficult for them to be happy for others?"

Yes, for some people, it is really difficult to be happy for others because their personality traits are "killing the fun". Personality traits refer to a person's unique and relatively stable personality and behavior patterns, including values, beliefs, attitudes, behavioral habits and social skills, which have an important impact on a person's thinking and behavior.

As the saying goes, "It is easy to change the country but difficult to change one's nature", the relative stability of personality means that although it will change due to acquired environment and experience, it is the most difficult thing for a person to change, and it will become more stable with age.

According to the Big Five Personality Theory, a person's personality traits can be divided into five dimensions, namely extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, neuroticism and openness. Among them, agreeableness and openness are closely related to the "killer personality".

Agreeableness refers to the degree of friendliness and cooperation towards others, and reflects a person's attitude and behavior in interpersonal relationships. People with high agreeableness are usually friendly, cooperative, caring, compassionate and empathetic, and are more likely to establish harmonious relationships, while people with low agreeableness are more competitive, outspoken, and sometimes lack patience and social skills.

Openness to Experience refers to an individual's degree of acceptance of new ideas, cultures, and experiences. People with high openness are usually curious, imaginative, open to new ideas, and willing to try new experiences. On the contrary, people with low openness may be more conservative, traditional, and resistant to new things.

Image source: https://unsplash.com/ Photographer: Afif Ramdhasuma

Studies have found that people who score high in agreeableness and openness tend to have higher friendship quality, are more likely to become others' "close friends", and often occupy a central position in social networks. This is because "agreeable people" tend to pay more attention to the feelings of others and team relationships, and are more likely to win trust and dependence, while "open people" are more tolerant and adhere to the principle of seeking common ground while reserving differences.

Killjoys usually score lower on the agreeableness dimension because they are competitive by nature and focus more on their own ideas and achievements. So when they are faced with the joy and success shared by others, their first reaction is often "I can do better than this, so it's no big deal", or "There are always people better than us, we must always maintain a sense of crisis, so this achievement is not enough, we must set bigger goals."

People with low openness scores prefer traditional and familiar things. When faced with novel experiences or niche and unpopular things shared by others, they tend to show resistance and belittlement. For example, they often say, "You don't do your job properly, but instead do these weird things all day long."

Unfortunately, these personality traits are like screenwriters and directors hiding behind the scenes of our lives, and although our thinking and behavior patterns are deeply influenced by them, we often find it difficult to realize this.

In other words, the words and actions of the "killer of fun" are often taken for granted and logically self-consistent in the eyes of the person involved, and he may not even realize that he has ruined other people's fun.

Image source: https://unsplash.com/ Photographer: Maksym Kaharlytskyi

I don't want to spoil the fun, but I really don't understand

To avoid being a spoiler, the most important thing is to recognize and understand the emotions and thoughts expressed by others. This is often called "sympathy" or "empathy", while psychologists prefer to call it "theory of mind", which is a very important social cognitive ability that allows us to infer the intentions, emotions and opinions of others, and predict their possible behaviors and reactions.

Theory of mind develops rapidly from the age of 3 to 4 until it matures in adolescence, but even when we grow up, this cognitive ability still has individual differences. In other words, some people lack "theory of mind", which sometimes leads to some disappointing words and deeds in social interactions.

A study at the University of Pennsylvania used comprehension tasks and social cooperation scales to explore the relationship between adults' theory of mind and social cooperation ability. The comprehension task consisted of a series of short stories that described interpersonal relationships or conflicts. After listening to the story, the subjects needed to choose between two options, such as judging whether A believed that B believed that C was lying, or A believed that B did not believe that C was lying. The number of correct answers given by the subjects reflected the level of their theory of mind.

The social cooperation scale assesses an individual's multi-dimensional characteristics such as social acceptance, empathy, helpfulness, and compassion, and can well reflect an individual's social ability.

The research results found that social cooperation ability is negatively correlated with the number of incorrect answers in comprehension tasks, that is, the lower the theory of mind, the lower the social interaction ability.

Another study on the elderly also found that the elderly's theory of mind is closely related to their relationships with friends. The higher the theory of mind of the elderly, the better the relationship between them and their friends.

So, as a "killer of fun" in everyone's eyes, they actually have their own troubles. Sometimes it's not that they want to kill the fun on purpose, but it's just that they are not very good at identifying and understanding other people's emotions and intentions.

The key to fighting spoilers: empathy

We all hope that friends, lovers, and family members can bring us certain emotional value, rather than "emotional depreciation." However, in life, we will inevitably encounter some people who spoil our mood. What can we do at this time?

The most effective way is to induce the other person to think from their perspective, and let them know that at this time you hope that they will not say those spoiling words, but be happy for you and share the joy together.

In many cases, it is much better to point out other people's disappointing words and deeds directly and fully express our feelings about it than to get angry or keep silent. Because the other person may say those disappointing words because of his or her personality characteristics, or he or she may not understand your point at the beginning. When the other person fully understands your meaning or knows your expectations, he or she will be more likely to change.

When trying to get the other person to think from your perspective, it is important to keep your emotions stable . On the one hand, this is because it allows us to express our ideas appropriately without causing emotional contradictions and conflicts.

On the other hand, emotional value can come not only from the feedback of others, but also from one's own heart. This emotional value will not disappear because of negative feedback from others. We can still continue to enjoy our own achievements and joy.

Of course, sometimes it’s hard to get those who spoil the fun to put themselves in their shoes, but we must also remember that we always have the freedom to actively choose our environment.

References

[1] Li Yiman. (2022). The influence of personality traits and brain functional connectivity on social networks[D]. Master's thesis of Southwest University.

[2] Paal, T., & Bereczkei, T. (2007). Adult theory of mind, cooperation, Machiavellianism: The effect of mindreading on social relations. Personality and individual differences, 43(3), 541-551.

[3] Lecce, S., Ceccato, I., Bianco, F., Rosi, A., Bottiroli, S., & Cavallini, E. (2017). Theory of mind and social relationships in older adults: The role of social motivation. Aging & Mental Health, 21(3), 253-258.

Planning and production

Author: ACC Psychology Popular Science Creator

Review丨Tang Yicheng, Deputy Director of Beijing Zhongke Popular Psychological Health Promotion Center

Planning丨Lin Lin

Editor: Lin Lin