Do we have to be better ourselves? Perfectionism is not "perfect"...

In daily life, perfectionism is often seen as a positive quality. When a person says that he is a perfectionist, he often gives the impression that he has high self-requirements, is responsible for his work, and pursues the best results. However, from a psychological point of view, perfectionism is not conducive to the mental health or growth of an individual.

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Best is never good enough

High standards are a characteristic of perfectionism. People with perfectionist tendencies tend to set high standards for themselves and have high expectations for results. We are always used to comparing ourselves with a certain standard, and the results of the comparison will affect our view of ourselves.

If the standard is met, one will be satisfied; if the standard is not met, one will be easily disappointed. Obviously, if an individual consistently sets unattainable standards for himself, this will lead to excessive expectations, and he will easily feel that he "does not meet the standard" and therefore feel disappointed.

Perfectionism is often a relatively stable trait. After repeated failures, individuals with perfectionism may even feel a sense of failure and even doubt the value of their existence. Sometimes, individuals may fall into a cycle of self-blame and self-reproach because they feel they are always "difficult to meet standards."

Therefore, whether in real life or in consulting situations, it is easy to see the existence of the chain of "perfectionism - sense of failure - self-blame".

Interestingly, a person who feels that he or she has failed (even though others may not see it that way) and is very critical of himself or herself rarely doubts whether his or her standards are appropriate, but firmly believes that he or she has not done well. In order to "save" themselves, they will continue to set high standards for themselves, hoping to achieve these high standards to prove their worth.

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Why can I and you can't?

People with perfectionist ideas are also likely to use their own "high standards and strict requirements" to push their own people around them, which has an adverse impact on the individual's interpersonal relationships. Although we advocate "strict self-discipline and lenient treatment of others", it is still difficult to do this in real life.

It's easier for us to hold ourselves to the same standards as others, isn't it?

When couples quarrel, they often have a common theme: "Why can I do it, but you can't?" "Why can I wash my clothes after dinner, but you have to wash them after watching TV?" When people feel that the other party's expectations of them are too high, they will feel pressured and may actively distance themselves from each other. It is also very uncomfortable to see people around you actively distance themselves from you.

Therefore, perfectionist ideas in interpersonal communication can easily cause interpersonal disharmony. Humans are social animals, and the quality of interpersonal relationships is an important determinant of mental health. Therefore, from this perspective, individuals with perfectionist tendencies are likely to create a bad interpersonal environment for themselves.

Unfortunately, when faced with unsatisfactory interpersonal relationships, people with perfectionist ideas rarely reflect on their own standards. They may even be proud of their high standards and thus shift the blame for the bad interpersonal relationships onto others, believing that it is because others "fail to meet standards" that they should be held responsible for their bad interpersonal relationships.

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Allow growth to happen, allow imperfection

In addition, perfectionism is not conducive to individual growth. Physical growth may be completed in early adulthood, but psychological growth is a lifelong process. The word growth means transcending our past selves. To achieve growth, we first need to accept that we have shortcomings or there is room for further improvement.

When we allow growth to happen, it means accepting that we are not perfect. Therefore, the premise of growth is not to avoid our own problems, not to be afraid of shortcomings and deficiencies, and to realize from the heart that it is not shameful to have deficiencies or shortcomings.

Abilities do not come out of thin air; they require training. Only through training in practice can one go from doing something not so well to doing it better, from doing something unskillfully to doing it skillfully or even skillfully.

For healthy adults, walking is not a difficult task. However, when we observe a baby walking, we will find how difficult it is to walk - straighten up, stand up, keep balance, stretch out one leg, stumble, fall from side to side, and use both hands and arms to help keep balance. If a child is required to have a perfect gait from the beginning, he may not learn to walk at all.

Adults often learn in the same way, and they also need to constantly exercise themselves through the not-so-elegant posture of "stumbling". Tolerate the imperfections of the process and even the results, and gradually improve themselves. If you worry about being imperfect, then you may only be complacent and unable to make progress.

Clinically, perfectionism is closely related to psychological problems such as depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. Therefore, if we give up the fantasy of perfectionism as soon as possible and accept that we and others are individuals with flaws, we may be more likely to have good mental health.

Author: Wang Kui

PhD in Psychology, Researcher at the Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences, Second-level Psychological Counselor

Editor: Dong Xiaoxian