Shen Xu | You who protects the young

Bullying in schools is not just a children's problem.

It is the adult world that is 'sick'.

We don’t allow weakness.

Not meeting the standards is unacceptable.

No discrepancies are allowed.

We ask our children to be just, respectful, loving and courageous.

In fact, we didn’t do it ourselves.

Shen Xu, Co-founder of Photosynthesis Action Youth Education and Development Research Institute

Gezhi Lundao Issue 66 | April 27, 2021 Guangzhou

Hello everyone, my name is Shen Xu, and I come from a non-profit organization - Photosynthesis Action Youth Education and Development Research Institute.

Today I want to talk to you about a rather heavy topic - "school bullying". How does school bullying happen? What serious consequences will it bring? I hope my sharing can attract everyone's attention and give you some strength.

Our organization mainly helps children and adolescents face difficulties in their growth, and intervening in school bullying is a very important part of this. From 2011 to now, in the past 10 years, I have directly and indirectly intervened in 1,231 cases of medium- and high-risk school bullying. In 2020, I directly intervened in 26 suicide cases among children and adolescents, two-thirds of which were related to school bullying. Although this does not mean that school bullying is the cause of suicide, it is indeed a factor that pushes children to despair.

The story of the bullied girl Xiao A

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I would like to share with you the story of Xiao A. Xiao A is 16 years old and is one of the girls in our intervention case. She experienced six years of school bullying in elementary school. During this period, she was silent, resisted, cried, and even deliberately stopped studying to avoid attracting everyone's attention, causing her academic performance to decline. But she was still excluded, isolated, and humiliated by all kinds of ugly words. When she took the initiative to make friends, she was even asked to kneel down and lick shoes.

The first time Little A was excluded was in kindergarten. There was a little boy named Little D in the kindergarten. He was mentally retarded and drooled frequently. Other children avoided him. Once, the teacher put a small basket with 5 erasers on each table, but there were 6 children at each table. The teacher asked everyone to put the erasers back in the basket after use so that other children could continue to use them.

Little A and Little D sat at the same table. All the kids at the same table got their erasers, but Little A didn't. She wanted to wait until the other kids had used their erasers before putting them back. But no one put their erasers back. Then Little D handed the eraser covered with saliva to Little A. Little A took the eraser, wiped the saliva off, and started using it. From that day on, everyone avoided Little D and Little A, and said that they were a good couple.

The teacher did not intervene in this matter in time, thinking that it was just a joke between children. Later, because Xiao A pushed away a girl who blocked her in the toilet, she was criticized by the teacher. The teacher and parents asked Xiao A to apologize first.

▲ The isolation and helplessness of the bullied

When she was in elementary school, because she did not join in the ridicule and pranks of others, everyone thought she was different. And because she was very pretty and had good grades, the teacher liked her very much. Some girls thought she was awkward and started to find fault with her, deliberately framed her, and spread rumors about her. Later, the whole class excluded her.

During this process, no adult believed that she was bullied. They all thought it was a joke between classmates; or that it was Xiao A's character problem, that Xiao A was too calculative, too hypocritical, and too sensitive; or that Xiao A was not good at communication and socializing. In short, it was all Xiao A's fault. As a result, things got worse day by day until Xiao A stopped leaving the house. From the first to the third year of junior high school, she did not enter the campus for three years.

Many people say that these kindergarten children are ignorant and have no malicious intentions. However, the teacher's selective attitude of ignoring bullying has made the bullied children more isolated and helpless, which has further led to the deterioration of the bullying level.

Children always start with small evils, test the boundaries of adults, and then observe how adults deal with them. If we want to change this situation, we must face up to the occurrence and existence of bullying.

How to define school bullying?

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Let’s first look at a set of data. This is a survey conducted by the China Youth Research Center in 2016 on primary and secondary school students in 10 provinces and cities across the country.

▲ Frequency of primary and secondary school students being bullied in school

The results showed that one-third of people were bullied occasionally, 6.1% were bullied frequently, and the proportion of bullied children suffering from mental violence reached 94.32%.

What is mental violence? Mental violence includes belittling, ridicule, humiliation, rumors, threats, isolation, exclusion and neglect. Everyone must pay attention that bullying is not only physical violence, but also verbal violence, relationship violence and cyber violence.

In 2017, the Ministry of Education and 11 other ministries issued a notice on reducing school bullying, which clearly defined school bullying in China. It also reminded everyone that school bullying occurs between students, not only on campus, but also outside of campus.

We should not only pay attention to repeated bullying incidents, but also to single bullying incidents, because behind a single bullying incident, there may be a lot of hidden bullying, that is, threats, intimidation, neglect, exclusion and isolation.

In the definition of bullying, the most difficult thing for us to define is malice. How to judge malice? Teachers and parents said that the children they met often said: "Teacher, I didn't mean it, I was just joking, we were just having fun."

What is a joke? We adults can understand it. If you are often told "you are so stupid, how come you don't even know this"; or your files are often damaged; or when you walk into the office, everyone treats you as air and deliberately ignores you; or when you are attending an important party, someone deliberately bumps into you, touches you, and spills soup on you; or in the QQ group at work, someone says that you like someone. How do you feel? Are these incidents still jokes? A joke is when both parties know that they are making fun of each other, and they can laugh, scold, and that is an equal relationship, while school bullying is not an equal relationship.

A large number of research results show that most bullies are well aware of the feelings of the bullied, but still want to hurt and embarrass them. This is not a joke, but malicious intent.

Causes of school bullying

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Some people may ask, the bullied children know that it is malicious and they know that it is very uncomfortable, so why don't they resist? In fact, they use various methods to resist and protect themselves, but because of the imbalance of power and strength, it is difficult for them to get out of the predicament. When we define school bullying, the imbalance of power and strength is also a very important factor.

How did this inequality come about? I often hear children tell me, "I think he is weird, I don't like him," "I think he is different from others, I just want to stop him," or "He makes me uncomfortable, I feel bad seeing him, I want him to stay away from me."

▲ Stay away from strange people

Little A's mother once told Little A to stay away from strange people, so is licking hands considered strange? Little A said that when she took Little D's eraser, she felt that Little D only licked his own hand and did not lick other people's hands, so she did not find it strange.

In the eyes of children, what is "strange, unpleasant, and different"? They think that an event is "strange" if it does not meet the standards of a certain society, and these standards also constitute an imbalance in power and strength.

▲ “Standard” in appearance

Let's take a look at what standards there are. In terms of appearance, our pursuit of beauty and our aesthetic taste for appearance are becoming more and more picky and refined. For example, a scar, a mole, a birthmark on our face; whether we have too many acne; whether we wear braces; whether we have an overbite; whether we wear glasses; some children even have strabismus, one eye is big and the other is small; our height, weight, etc. These small problems may become the object of ridicule, not to mention hearing impairment, visual impairment and physical disability, as well as autism, ADHD and mental retardation.

▲ A boy with a cochlear implant is ostracized by his classmates

I have a student who was born deaf. When he was 9 years old, he had a cochlear implant, which required him to carry a small box on his back to charge it. He had to charge it every five or six hours. Everyone thought he was a weird person and began to reject him. This year he is in his second year of high school, and everyone still thinks he is a weird person. Every time he goes to a new environment, he has to face this problem.

▲ Being ostracized by classmates due to scars on his face from a car accident

I also have a student who had a scar on his face after a car accident. Everyone thinks he is a person who brings bad luck, so in order to avoid being contaminated by bad luck, everyone excludes him.

There was another girl who was 1.72 meters tall when she was in the fifth grade. Everyone thought she stood out from the crowd and was silly, so they called her "silly". These actions made the girl feel very inferior and she always walked with her head down. She was diagnosed with depression when she was in the second grade of junior high school.

▲ Differences in family background can also lead to bullying

In addition to appearance, differences in family background can also lead to bullying, such as the family's economic status, social background, parents' personality and physical condition, etc. Some of my students have developed well as individuals, but because one of their parents may be in prison, may have a mental illness, may be physically disabled, paralyzed, or divorced, they will be regarded as strange people. As long as there are some negative things happening around them, everyone may think that they did it or they are the cause. They are not treated fairly.

▲ Gender traits and sexual orientation

Among the cases of school bullying we handle, many serious cases are related to gender discrimination. When our society requires boys to be masculine, if a boy is fair-skinned, slender, speaks softly, or likes to play with dolls or do handicrafts, he will be considered feminine and not in line with masculinity. Our survey shows that boys with feminine traits are more likely to be bullied than girls with masculine traits.

In terms of sexual orientation, the proportion of bullies who choose to bully people of the same sex is much higher than those who choose people of the opposite sex. A while ago, it was revealed online that a boy was sexually assaulted by a boy in the same dormitory. Some people may be surprised. Why was the boy sexually assaulted? Because he identified with his feminine characteristics and thought he was a transgender. As a result, everyone thought he was weird, sexually assaulted him, and then humiliated him. This lasted for several months. When the teacher handled it, he did not think that the boy was sexually assaulted, and thought he was not bullied. He even told him that it would be better to behave normally.

my country has not yet included sexual assault on boys in the law, but many countries in the world have already included this situation in the law. Boys who are sexually assaulted should be protected, because boys are even more afraid to speak out when they are sexually assaulted or sexually harassed. Traditionally, we generally think that how can a boy be sexually assaulted? Didn’t he resist? But let’s think about it, if a person is suppressed by many people, do you think his resistance is still effective?

Let's take a look at what psychological advantage is. When you meet a certain standard, this standard may allow you to gain more support and resources, be more popular, and even control, command, and threaten others. That is a psychological advantage.

▲ Psychological advantage is relative

Let me give you an example. In an environment, when excellent academic performance becomes a standard, if a child with excellent academic performance bullies a child with poor academic performance or deviant behavior, the teacher is likely to believe that it is the bullied child who is spreading the rumor.

What would happen if the environment was changed? In an environment with a poor academic atmosphere, these children are unwilling to study, think that hard work is something special, and do not agree with the view that studying is useful. Those children with good grades and hard work become the targets of bullying. We have also encountered this situation in individual cases.

Therefore, in different cultures and environments, psychological advantages will be transformed due to differences in standards. When we overemphasize positivity, extroversion, resources, and intelligence, those introverted, silent, unwilling to speak children, or even mediocre children, are in a disadvantaged position, thus forming this unequal relationship.

▲ Causes of school bullying

We can see that one of the important reasons why school bullying occurs is that we do not allow those who do not meet the standards to exist. We do not allow differences, nor do we allow weakness. We only accept the strong, which leads to the occurrence of school bullying.

The values ​​of adults also influence children, and children use them to judge who can enter this circle and who should be excluded from it. Barbara, an American scholar, mentioned that the root of school bullying is contempt. Contempt means that we can ignore the pain of those who are weak and do not meet the standards.

Let’s talk about how we don’t accept the weak. When Xiao A was in the first grade, she told her mother that she was bullied. Her mother said, “Are you too hypocritical? You are too sensitive.” When she told her mother in the fourth grade, her mother said, “Why do others only target you and not others? Is there something wrong with you?” When she later self-harmed and wanted to die, her father said, “Then you might as well die earlier. Why did I raise such a waste like you? You are too cowardly.” Adults regard being bullied as incompetence and powerlessness. They feel frustrated, desperate, and even angry about it.

Let me tell you another story. A girl was very good in every aspect and her family was well-off. However, she was bullied in high school. During my intervention, I found that her family required her to be excellent and not fall behind, and she could not accept that she was not excellent.

When she was in junior high school, she met a girl who was inferior to her in every aspect. In an exam, the girl's score was higher than hers, so she could not be the first in the grade. She began to exclude and suppress the girl in various ways, so that the girl could not focus on studying, and dropped out of school after suffering from depression. The dramatic thing is that when she went to high school, she encountered a similar thing. Another girl who seemed to be better than her and also refused to admit defeat began to suppress and exclude her, causing her to suffer from depression.

In the cases we intervened, we found that because people cannot accept being weak, they use control, orders, threats, coercion and exclusion of others to prove themselves strong. When they fight to regain their dominant position, the bullies and the bullied often switch dramatically.

The harm caused by school bullying

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How do children view this kind of weakness? Some children told me that being bullied hurt them, but what hurt them even more was that adults did not acknowledge or accept the fact that they were bullied, leaving them to bear the consequences alone.

Some children said that they felt that the teachers and principals were cowards because they did not dare to admit or accept that bullying had occurred in the school or class. Another child told me that when he had the ability to face the bullying, he looked at the incident again and felt that his parents were cowards. Because his parents could not accept the fact that he was bullied, and they could not accept that they had raised such a child, they felt very failed.

Therefore, school bullying is not a problem for children, but a problem for the adult world. We do not allow weakness, do not accept non-compliance, and do not allow differences. We ask our children to have justice, respect, love, and courage, but we ourselves do not have them.

▲ The harm caused by school bullying

School bullying causes a lot of harm, including physical harm, mental harm, and academic harm. It can cause a lot of academic problems, such as dropping out of school. Many studies have also shown that depression and suicide in adolescents are actually closely related to school bullying.

During the intervention process, we found that even if the bullying incident was discovered in time, the bullied child was still unable to narrate it well because he was afraid that inappropriate intervention by adults would lead to more retaliation.

Some children have been bullied for many years and have become reluctant to talk, taciturn, difficult to communicate, and their academic performance has declined. However, parents and teachers believe that they are not working hard enough in their studies and that there are problems with their own character, and are unwilling to admit that this is caused by bullying.

There are also children who dropped out of school in junior high school. It was not until he found us at the age of 19 that his mother found out that he had been bullied in junior high school, which resulted in him not going to school for six years.

Why is it so difficult for the bullied to recover even if they are out of the bullying environment? Both foreign and domestic practices have shown that many bullying behaviors are very hidden and have lasted for a long time before being discovered. When a person suffers from verbal violence for a long time, and is threatened, excluded, isolated, and humiliated, these words will damage his brain nerves. This chronic physiological damage will cause mental harm and even change his way of thinking and his attitude towards himself, others, and the world.

In school bullying, the number of bystanders reaches more than 80%, while those who are courageous, strategic, loving and able to take action only account for 5%-7%. Is it that children are unwilling to intervene in bullying? No. Every time we go to the school to do activities, we can see that the children's eyes are shining. They are not without courage.

▲ Adults do not accept "weakness"

To a large extent, it is the intervention methods of adults that make many children afraid and unable to intervene. Because adults are used to punishing bullies, or letting bullies and victims shake hands and make peace, they think the problem is solved quickly. But in fact, there are many complex reasons why some children become bullies. They also need support, care and guidance.

What is our attitude towards the bullied? We always persuade them, "You need to be more normal, you need to let it go, you need to be stronger." However, we do not give them practical support. When we say these words, if the bullied feels that he cannot do it, he will feel even more helpless and think that he is not generous enough and not tolerant enough.

If bystanders fail to speak up for justice for a long time and lose their motivation to act, one day when they grow up, they will become teachers, lawyers, judges, or managers in various industries. How can they exercise their sense of justice? When they have their own children, how should they raise a loving child who can exercise justice?

Therefore, adults must take responsibility for preventing and intervening in school bullying. Numerous studies have shown that the correct attitude and approach of adults are very important in preventing school bullying.

Intervention of school bullying

Adults need the right attitude and approach

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Here I want to remind adults, when you encounter this kind of thing again, don't question the children, don't say "why didn't you tell me earlier, are they joking, are you too sensitive, are you too fragile, too cowardly". We should take some time to listen to children patiently, listen to their thoughts and feelings, and try to understand their emotions.

▲ Intervention of bullying requires the correct attitude of adults

You can tell him, "I heard about this, I feel that you are very sad, it is really terrible that this happened", "No matter what happened, they should not treat you like this, it is not your fault", so that the child feels that he is not rejected or denied. Even if he lies, please believe that it is because he encountered difficulties and did not know how to express it to you.

In addition, don't rush to give your child advice, because your advice may not be suitable for him. You say to him, "Why don't you shout it out loud? Can't you firmly say 'no'?" However, for a person to firmly shout it out loud, it requires a lot of encouragement and inner strength. It can't be solved by just giving him a reason. For children, many of our suggestions may be a kind of pressure and a burden, making them feel more incompetent, and they will be unwilling to talk to you again, which will result in them being more isolated and helpless.

After experiencing school bullying, the road to recovery for the bullied is very long, taking at least a year and at most several years or even more than ten years. I have even met many adults who are still living in the shadow of this pain for decades.

When facing school bullying, the best intervention is prevention. I hope that when children encounter isolation, exclusion, and ridicule in class, they will not stand up alone, but unite to reject bullying. Because the power of one person is limited, those who stand up will take on many risks and will be afraid. We must understand this fear.

▲ Our actions

We hope that school bullying can be discovered and stopped in time to avoid harm. We have launched the "Peace Keeper Plan" in the hope of supporting more teachers and parents, making them powerful people, people who can express love, and give more support to children. We have started the "Zero Bullying Classroom" plan, hoping to work with teachers and children to create a zero bullying classroom. We don't just talk to children, but teach them to act personally. We also have a "Magic Light Youth Summer Camp" activity, which allows us to support more children to become people with warmth and power, people who can take action, and people who are confident.

Finally, I would like to end with a quote from the UNESCO Charter: "Since wars begin in minds, peace must be built in the minds of men."

If you need to know more information about school bullying, you can follow our WeChat public account "Photosynthesis in Action".

That’s all for my sharing today, thank you everyone!

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The articles and speeches only represent the author’s views and do not represent the position of the Gezhi Lundao Forum.

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