Night Reading | Do you always feel like others are paying attention to you? Master these 3 methods to make yourself live more freely!

When you walk on the street, do you always feel like someone is watching you?

During a meeting, you accidentally made a fool of yourself. Maybe everyone else has almost forgotten about it, but you are still upset about it?

When you go to a party, do you automatically want to find a place to hide so that no one can see you?

Do you care too much about what others think of you and are cautious about every move you make?

Everyone, from time to time, will feel uncomfortable to some extent because of the possible comments or attention from others. Of course, there are always some people who are calm and at ease in any occasion and rarely feel depressed because of other people's comments.

Why is there such a difference? If you want to be less easily influenced by others, what should you do?

01

The ubiquitous “spotlight effect”

“Always feeling that others are staring at you” is called the “spotlight effect.”

The spotlight effect, also known as the focus effect, is a psychological term that refers to inadvertently magnifying one's own problems to infinity. Especially when you make a fool of yourself, you always think that others will notice it.

The spotlight effect is very common in life.

The fact that Chinese people generally love to save face is a good proof of this. Often, when we speak or do something, our first reaction is “What will others think?” If others have different ideas from us, even if we are reluctant, we will compromise for the sake of face. In order to meet the expectations of others, we often subconsciously speculate on what others think, fearing that we will do something that will cause gossip.

"Social phobia" is essentially due to the "spotlight effect". When walking on the street, I always feel that someone is looking at me, so I can't help but lower my head to avoid other people's gaze. When talking to people, I feel uneasy, worried about being misunderstood or ignored. Not to mention asking for help, I feel particularly embarrassed just thinking about it.

The same is true for not daring to speak in public. Your heartbeat quickens before you even open your mouth, and you worry that you will stutter, blush, and even more afraid that others will notice your "embarrassment". However, in fact, many people can't even notice your subtle changes. Even if it is obvious, she may not notice it. After all, most of the time we can't even take care of ourselves, and we have no time to pay attention to others.

What's worse, even if others clearly tell her "it's okay", "I didn't mean it", or "I didn't notice it at all", she doesn't believe it. Because deep in her heart, she has a deep-rooted idea: "I am transparent in the eyes of others, and others can always see through me at a glance." This kind of psychology is also called the illusion of transparency. In reality, these people may feel ashamed to face others because they occasionally do something inappropriate. Even though most people don't know what happened to him.

There are many similar examples. In short, everyone is affected by the "spotlight effect", and the more affected they are, the more uncomfortable they will be. Moreover, many times they will hesitate to move forward because of imaginary worries and dare not live according to their own wishes.

02

How to live more freely?

Imagine if we were less susceptible to being influenced by others than we are now, would we be able to live more freely? After all, everyone has a lot of worldly shackles that they wear consciously or unconsciously.

Of course, it is not realistic to completely ignore other people's comments. However, in many cases, we are not trapped by other people's comments, but by what we think is "other people's attention".

How to break this illusion?

First, learn to accept that you are not that important to other people.

"Self-centeredness" is a common human trait. Most of the time, our focus is on ourselves, not others. Put yourself in their shoes and think about how much attention you pay to others? Even if you are deeply touched at the time, how long will you remember it?

The answer is most likely: very little and very short. The same is true for others.

Even if others may say something, it is often just talk. He does not really care about whether you are good or not. It is just that sometimes, due to self-perception bias, we subconsciously always think that we are special. In essence, we are not afraid of being embarrassed, but unwilling to admit that we are not important to others, but this is the fact.

What we really need to care about is how we think of ourselves. As the philosopher said, "It doesn't matter how others think of you, what matters is how you think of yourself." As long as you don't care, other people's gazes or comments don't exist for you at all.

Second, accept your own imperfections.

To put it another way, as a social being, being liked and recognized by others is an important source of a person's sense of belonging and happiness. No one can completely ignore the evaluation of others. After all, since infancy, we need to confirm our existence from the attention of others. If we are ignored for a long time, it is fatal to his survival. When we grow up, we still need to continue to be seen and recognized by others, otherwise we will easily be swallowed up by a strong sense of "worthlessness".

Perfectionists in particular always subconsciously set high standards for themselves, and can never be truly satisfied with themselves. At the same time, they are also very likely to project these high standards onto others. This manifests itself in behavior, where others think it’s okay, but they just can’t let it go. In serious cases, they don’t even allow themselves to make the slightest mistake, so they are extremely nervous about doing anything.

However, no one is perfect, and accepting yourself the way you are is good enough.

Finally, exposure therapy.

Always unable to help but repeatedly think about "what others will think of me" is a toxic concept and a behavioral pattern.

The change of ideas can be achieved in a moment, but it often takes time to change behavior. However, after a period of deliberate practice, the old behavior pattern can be replaced by a new one.

In your daily life, be aware of the spotlight effect and practice giving yourself pause:

"Others don't pay that much attention to me, don't think too much"

"Others don't care about me that much, so don't care too much about what others think"

“I don’t have to be perfect, and it’s okay to make mistakes occasionally”

After trying it, you will find that you are often just overthinking. Moreover, without so many unnecessary burdens, life is really easy.

Author: Feiye