"I'm the director!" A woman was forced by her parents to take the civil service exam for five years and suffered from schizophrenia. Please don't control your children in the name of love!

Many parents hope that their sons will become successful and their daughters will become outstanding. However, one child, in order to fulfill his parents' expectations, ended up driving himself crazy!

April 5, Sichuan. A woman did not look for a job after graduating from university. She was forced by her parents to take the civil service exam for five years but failed to get a job. She was hit by failure after failure. Her mother said that her daughter had some abnormal behavior since last year. Recently, she often answered questions that were not what she wanted to say when talking to her family, and claimed that she was the director. After examination, the doctor diagnosed her with schizophrenia.

The parents had good intentions, but why did they let their child fall into a spiritual pit? Faced with the result of their daughter, the parents must be regretting it now, but it is too late.

Many parents are deeply obsessed with "iron rice bowl" and "famous university", thinking that these are the best ideal careers and schools. Then they exercise the right of "love" under the banner of "for your own good" , and even force their children to have no choice.

However, they ignore the children's thoughts and abilities. Is this what the children want? What do the children like? Do the children have the ability to do so?

As the saying goes, thousands of people are trying to cross a single-plank bridge, so we should do what we can! Parents should guide and communicate more, rather than force their children.

In my country, up to 50% of adolescents suffer from mental illness due to family reasons. Children with mental problems mostly come from families with disharmonious family relationships, strained parent-child relationships, and improper family education.

The tragedies caused by improper family education actually more often reflect the cognitive bias between two generations.

American psychologist Diana Baumrind conducted research on more than 100 preschool children. Through natural observation, parent interviews and other research methods, she divided parents into four types: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful.

Authoritarian parents often control their children in the name of love. They always think that controlling everything and letting their children do everything according to their own ideas is the most complete love for their children.

This type of parents have a strong desire for control and will require their children to obey them absolutely. The children's freedom is limited. Some parents will even forcefully manipulate their children's lives and force them to play the social roles they set. They pin their unfulfilled ideals on their children, hoping that their children will realize their lofty ideals and grow up according to the development blueprint they designed for them.

Of course, this kind of control by parents, both in terms of process and results, may not necessarily be in line with their "good wishes". In extreme cases, it may even drive children to a dead end.

Studies have found that children who grow up in an environment with authoritarian and controlling parents tend to be highly dependent, have no ideas or opinions of their own, are timid and cowardly, and lack a sense of social responsibility.

They are usually good children in the eyes of their parents, but they have lost their independent personality; they usually find it difficult to listen to other people's opinions. They seem to agree on the surface, but secretly do not listen to their parents, and are hypocritical.

A psychologist once said: "No soul is willing to be bound by the will of others. Every life is born to be himself." In the child's life journey, parents should learn to let go and be a participant rather than a leader.

The book "Intimate Relationships" also wrote: "If you want to raise unreasonable expectations, you might as well remind yourself first: Don't regard meeting such requirements as an obligation that the other party must fulfill."

Everyone is an independent individual, and parents should choose to respect that. Do not impose on others what you do not want others to do to you. If you cannot do something yourself, parents must not ask their children to do it in the name of "for your own good"; nor should they control their children in the name of "love" or "force the growth of seedlings".

Such strong "love" from parents will only push children further and further away, and children will become less and less open to their parents and unable to understand their parents. At the same time, it will also put more pressure on children and have a negative impact on their spiritual growth.

Parents should provide more guidance and less control in their daily lives.

So, what should parents do?

1

Parents should restrain their desire to control

If you find that you are a parent with a strong desire for control, it is recommended that you first calm your mindset, give up your "unreasonable expectations" of your children, and stop transferring your own controlling emotions to your children.

It is good for parents to have expectations for their children, but they should not show them all the time in front of their children. Don’t be impatient. Sometimes, if you follow the right ideas but don’t see results immediately, don’t be too anxious. Just persevere and learn to trust your children.

2

Respect children and give them freedom

Parental control may sometimes help children avoid detours, but it completely blocks their freedom. Only when parents respect their children can children respect their parents. Some parents want their children to obey them and not to argue or disagree with them, otherwise they will scold their children loudly. Children who grow up in this environment may become indecisive and follow the crowd. Such parents should give their children more freedom and encourage them to express their ideas boldly.

3

Give your child some room to grow

Parents should learn to let go appropriately and give their children their own space to grow. Children's growth should be left to nature. Don't set up rules and regulations in your mind, think that children should be in a certain way, and don't force changes. Usually, you should use some life scenes to try to provide some external environment suitable for children's development and guide them correctly.

4

Cultivate children's ability to think and judge independently

An important purpose of education is to teach children how to make choices, cultivate their ability to think and judge independently, and let them experience the world on their own. Independence is actually a habit that is cultivated subtly in life, such as eating, washing hands, dressing and wearing shoes.

When children do anything, they will encounter problems with order and steps, and there will be differences in efficiency and results. This is cause and effect, and this is logic. When a child has an idea in his mind, or is hesitant about a decision, parents should encourage them to try and feel it themselves. It doesn't matter if they are wrong. Parents can accompany them to summarize and reflect afterwards. These experiences are the wealth of children's growth, which can help them develop independent thinking and judgment skills in the future.

5

Guide children's life attitudes and values

When children gradually acquire a simple awareness of things, they are judging and choosing things and information from the outside world almost every moment. Parents should teach by example and lead by example, and guide their children through their choices of different practices in little things, so that they can gradually cultivate their optimistic and positive attitude towards life and good values.

Of course, as children, when faced with misunderstanding and lack of support from parents, we must never adopt the cold war approach or refuse to communicate. We should try to actively communicate, exchange ideas, try to think from their perspective, and learn to listen to our parents, stand in their perspective and standpoint, understand their "misunderstanding and lack of support" , and thus find countermeasures to change the status quo.

If children find that communication is always ineffective, they must learn to give up the "guilt" mentality and break free from the constraints of "It's not easy for me to raise you, so you should...", "I'm doing this for your own good, you must...", "You don't listen to me, I'm so miserable...", etc. Seek help from relatives and friends in a timely manner, and never do anything stupid!

Source of this article: pexels (delete for infringement)