Is it that the personalities of husband and wife are becoming more and more alike, or are people with similar personalities more likely to become partners?

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When couples and lovers spend a long time together, problems of one kind or another will always arise. I remember reading an article about a couple’s divorce because of where to put the dishes after washing them. Of course, what the author wanted to express was that there is no such thing as a trivial matter in marriage, and all seemingly ordinary disagreements may eventually degenerate into an uncontrollable situation after accumulating over time.

Perhaps the most difficult part about dealing with long-term couples is that in a linear relationship, it is difficult for the parties to see the beginning and cause of the other person's changes - after all, on the surface, every day seems to be the same.

Psychologists sometimes talk about the "Michelangelo phenomenon": over time, lovers begin to gradually change each other, like a sculptor chiseling and carving into a block of marble. Someone might ask a loved one, "Can I help you find a therapist? How about we start jogging together? Um, you're wearing that little hat again?" Ultimately, they hope, they'll have sculpted a masterpiece of their ideal partner.

The results aren’t always perfect, like a statue of David, but the point is, relationships shape people. Some researchers have found that when this happens, the artwork often looks distinctly like the artist himself.

When couples become more similar, they call this “convergence.” Research suggests that couples may begin to become similar in terms of personality, happiness, emotional responses, and health.[1][2][3] One study followed couples who had been together for an average of nearly 40 years for eight years.[4] They found that the partners matched each other on traits such as openness, agreeableness , and neuroticism , and that their fluctuations in these traits were synchronized.

Other studies have found that couples begin to share smell and taste preferences, hormone levels, and cortisol responses.[5][6] Of course, this effect isn’t always a win-win for both partners. Another study, titled “Don’t Hold Me Back,” found that the happier partner in a couple tended to become less happy.[7]

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But researchers disagree on what's behind these findings, leading some to question whether couples are actually moving toward each other, or just thinking they are. It turns out the latter may be more important.

Convergence may be driven by a number of different factors.

Some researchers think it can be explained in large part by selection, the tendency to date people who are similar to ourselves first. Partners often come from similar backgrounds and cultures, are about the same age, and watch the same TV shows, Matthew Hammond, a psychologist at Victoria University of Wellington in New Zealand, told me. If they already have a lot in common, it makes sense that couples might keep changing in similar ways over time.

Another group of researchers, however, argues that convergence goes beyond selection and involves socialization, meaning that partners shape each other to be more like themselves. This can have indirect effects. Partners share lives, engage in many of the same activities and talk to many of the same people. But it can also include more direct influences, such as encouraging or discouraging certain behaviors or steering conversations toward certain topics. (This tendency is sometimes given a more forbidding name than the Michelangelo phenomenon: “social control theory,” which is exactly what it sounds like.)

In the “Don’t Hold Me Back” study, for example, less happy partners may have fewer friends, Olga Stavrova, a psychologist at Tilburg University in the Netherlands, told me. Perhaps the lack of support outside the relationship makes the happier partner take on more emotional responsibility, or perhaps the negative emotions of the unhappy partner filter down into the couple’s daily interactions.

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Socialization theory also has its critics.

As part of their convergence research, Hammond and his co-authors expected to find that couples became more similar on a variety of measures of well-being, attitudes, and traits. But after surveying nearly 200 couples, they didn’t find much consistency. [8] The couples did change over time, but independently of each other. One reason for this, Hammond told me, might be that many of these couples had been together for a long time—about 27 years, on average.

It's unclear whether relationship length drives this result, as some studies of older couples have found convergence, but Hammond wonders if this convergence might simply be a way to help couples connect early on. "You meet someone, you fall in love. You change your personality and belief system at that point," he explains. "You try to fit in, and then, a few years later, you feel like ... we've converged enough that we can feel safe and similar to each other, and now we're going to do our own thing."

Over time, partners may still think they’re becoming more alike, even if that’s not the case. In happy relationships, partners tend to hold unrealistically positive ideas about each other, Hammond told me. If you’re growing more concerned about animal welfare, for example, you might assume your partner has deepened the same awareness. The reality may be a little different, and acknowledging that can cause conflict. Worse, it may leave you thinking: If we’re not completely in sync, maybe he or she isn’t the best person for me. After years together, this possibility may be easier to ignore.

But convergence isn’t necessarily a driver of a good relationship; if anything, it’s more of a sign of a good relationship, William Chopik, a psychologist at Michigan State University, told me. If you feel like you and your partner see the world similarly, it might just mean you’re close to your partner.

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But you don't need to be like your partner in every way, nor should you; if one person panics in a stressful situation, it can be helpful for the other person to remain calm.

Research shows[9] that if one partner tends to be insecurely attached, a more secure partner can work wonders to build their trust. In fact, when partners perceive themselves as similar, this is a better predictor of their attraction, perceived responsiveness to each other, and self-reported feelings of love than how similar they actually are[10][11].

This isn’t to say that couples should ignore any differences between them. Whether the convergence is reality, projection, or a combination of both (which the researchers tell me is likely), the takeaway is essentially the same: What matters is that they feel connected and understood, and can maintain that unity while still acknowledging each other’s specialness.

If partners can look at each other honestly, they can be more intentional about which parts of each other to cut when creating their own masterpiece. The people we love have tremendous power to change us—and as daunting as that may sound, it’s a good thing.

By Faith Hill

Translated by tim

Proofreading/tamiya2

This article is based on the Creative Commons License (BY-NC) and is published by tim on Leviathan

The article only reflects the author's views and does not necessarily represent the position of Leviathan