These 10 little things are not selfish even if you do them!

We have been taught since childhood not to be "selfish", to think more about others, to have altruistic thinking, and to "suffer losses is a blessing". Such thoughts have been engulfing us as we grow up, constantly consuming ourselves in the process, and even once we have some thoughts of rejecting others, we will start to feel anxious. Is this behavior really selfish?

"True" selfishness refers to excessive focus on one's own personal interests and ignoring the needs and feelings of others, resulting in harm or unfair treatment of others. Therefore, many things do not mean selfishness!

Don’t share snacks with colleagues

Eating snacks at work is a strong way to relieve stress. You think I am holding beef jerky, hawthorn sticks, and braised duck necks, but they are actually blood tonic bars and medical kits; you think I am eating chocolate, peanuts, and nougat, but they are actually stress and distress. If someone comes up to me and asks for a sample, in my eyes, they are trying to steal my life-saving straw and life-extending medicine.

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Research on emotional eating shows that snacking can help people temporarily relieve and cope with negative emotions such as tension and stress. People in a negative emotional state are more likely to avoid social interactions, including sharing food with others, to reduce the risk of emotional contagion.

Therefore, not sharing snacks with coworkers doesn't necessarily mean you're being stingy or selfish.

Do not forward to Moments

The circle of friends is actually a private space for sharing personal life, emotions and opinions. The analysis of communication psychology in the social media era shows that the circle of friends is a tool for people to construct their "self" and a place to show their "self-image" to others and do "impression management".

Therefore, people’s “forwarding” is by no means as simple as clicking “share to friends circle”, but rather a mental leap from “individual self-dissemination and cognitive approval” to “impression management to complete self-presentation”.

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This means that when someone asks for help to forward a post to Moments, it is not just a simple information dissemination, but also involves considerations of personal image and social status. Therefore, if the forwarded content does not conform to personal values ​​or is believed to be potentially damaging to one's image, such a request may cause annoyance.

Refuse to help "cut a knife"

In fact, it is not difficult to help "cut a knife", but it is very annoying to always be "one knife short". After cutting one knife, there is another knife. After cutting yours, you have to cut his. Frequent requests are a kind of harassment, and it also pushes people into emotional friction of "directly refuse in exchange for peace of mind" or "forcing myself to keep up appearances".

From a psychological perspective, this kind of "cut a bit" request actually triggers people's perception of social pressure, and may also cause people's emotional fatigue and cognitive consumption. Helping to cut down is just a few cents, but what is really cut down is the emotional margin and cognitive margin that people have struggled to squeeze out in their busy work and life.

I don't want to breastfeed because I'm afraid of the pain

If giving birth is the first hurdle for women to become mothers, then breastfeeding is definitely the second. Although breastfeeding has many benefits, the pain of breast engorgement, the anxiety of insufficient milk supply, and the many restrictions on mothers' behavior and diet can easily make new mothers fall into an emotional vortex of anxiety, fear, depression and helplessness.

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Some people may question: "Can't you just endure that little bit of pain in your body? You are afraid and depressed, don't be so pretentious and selfish!" You should know that pain is a comprehensive phenomenon that is affected by physiological, psychological and social factors.

Studies have shown that severe breastfeeding pain can affect the behavior of mothers and babies, which in turn may affect the development of the mother-baby relationship and the health of the baby. At the same time, if you have abnormal breast pain during breastfeeding and discomfort, you should actively seek medical attention. Instead of forcing yourself to hold on, it is better to let yourself go, which is good for your child, yourself, and your family.

Parents don’t babysit their children

The older generation helping their children take care of their children can be psychologically interpreted as a complex phenomenon based on attachment, social and psychological needs, and family responsibilities. This behavior not only reflects the deep feelings and attachment of the elderly to their family members, but also reflects their contribution to family harmony and social support networks.

However, it should be noted that the older generation raising children may bring some psychological pressure and challenges. For example:

1. The older generation may neglect the development of their children’s independence and self-management abilities due to over-indulgence.

2. The older generation pays more attention to the safety of children, so they are more cautious and careful in doing things, fearing that the children will bump into things, which in turn limits the children's exploration.

3. As they age, the elderly’s ability to adapt to the environment may weaken. Due to physical limitations, the elderly’s physical agility and endurance cannot compare to those of children with unlimited energy. Under the influence of multiple factors, children are restricted and the elderly are exhausted.

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Therefore, for the sake of their own health and not to burden their children, and for the sake of the physical and mental health of their grandchildren and not to affect their development, the older generation should lend a hand within their ability, and completely let go when they are unable to do so. This is not selfish, but simply handing over responsibility and control to their children.

Leave the kids behind and go shopping and eat

The existence of children adds a dimension to our social roles. We are not only our parents’ children, our lovers’ partners, and employees in the workplace, but also parents who need to support their children. However, what we need to remember, and what is most important, is that we are still independent individuals.

Research shows that when parents are stressed and in negative emotions, they become less enthusiastic and responsive, less encouraging and positive about their children, less supportive of their children’s autonomous behavior, and more likely to reject their children, all of which can hinder children’s experience of security and calm.

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Therefore, occasionally asking other family members for help, temporarily escaping from the troubles of parenting, and quietly enjoying some time for yourself can help people maintain physical and mental health, and also promote parent-child interaction and relationship connection with children.

Refuse to bring food and milk tea for colleagues

"Helping" requires ability, resources, and voluntariness. In some cases, if there are no appropriate resources or sufficient ability to provide help, then "refusing" is also a responsible behavior for yourself and others.

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**In the workplace, everyone should have private space and boundaries to maintain personal independence and autonomy. **Without boundaries, relationships will become chaotic, unstable and hostile. Each other will close off their hearts and build an invisible wall, which will destroy trust and be detrimental to teamwork and harmony. If you frequently help your colleagues bring food or milk tea, this boundary may be blurred, resulting in the invasion of personal space, affecting your mood and even work efficiency.
Therefore, refusing help is a matter of maintaining personal boundaries, not selfishness.

Traveling alone without family

For many people, being alone is an important way to achieve personal growth and self-reflection. When we are alone, we are not rejecting the world, but we need space to think for ourselves. Research shows that being alone can provide rich personal experiences, including emotional satisfaction, improvement of self-awareness, temporary escape from social pressure, and opportunities for self-discovery.

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In daily life, many people suppress certain needs, give up some hobbies, reduce their alone time and personal space based on their care and responsibility for their families. Traveling alone, as a way to be alone, provides an opportunity to temporarily break away from these constraints. This autonomy reduces the conflicts and pressures that may be encountered when traveling with others, allowing people to explore the world at their own pace and interests, and gain real relaxation and rest.

Don’t be disappointed if you don’t meet other people’s expectations

Expectations can be very healthy or extremely harmful. Simply satisfying or meeting the unreasonable expectations of others often means suppressing your own needs, giving up personal hobbies, not striving for what you want, and missing out on rare opportunities. In other words, the "unreasonable expectations" of others often mean "compromising against one's will."

For example, parents hope to have many children and grandchildren, so they urge their children to get married and have children, so their children have to complete the major events in life in a hurry; friends expect you to meet their requests, so you are always available for the sake of friendship; your partner expects you to provide a sense of security, so you have to report your whereabouts from time to time; your leader expects you to support the project, so you dare not slack off and have to take on all the tasks and responsibilities that should be a team... This overwhelming feeling of suffocation can easily take away a person's energy and vitality if you are not careful.

Copyrighted images in the gallery; reprinting and using them may result in copyright disputes. Therefore, don't feel disappointed because you fail to meet other people's unreasonable expectations. It doesn't mean you don't care about other people's feelings, nor is it that you are too self-centered and selfish. It's just about drawing a reasonable boundary to ensure your basic safety and comfort.

Leave the person who treats you as an emotional trash can

People who are willing to listen and have strong empathy often gain the trust and reliance of others. It is precisely because of such good qualities that we often encounter people who habitually treat us as emotional trash cans. This causes people to hesitate whether they should leave such a relationship, worrying that such a choice will appear indifferent and selfish.

We need to realize that everyone has the right to protect their mood and not let it get worse.

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From the perspective of cognitive psychology, a person's cognitive resources are limited. If the "cognitive capacity" is filled with other people's negative emotions, and the "cognitive energy" is all used to process and digest these "emotional garbage", there will not be much space and motivation to deal with other things, resulting in a decline in the ability to process and remember other important information.

Don't give up the lush forest because of a crooked tree. Therefore, leaving such a person is actually a good thing for us, which can make us get along better with others and have a better state and mood.

References

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[21]Full article: The paradox of endless options and unrealistic expectations: understanding the impact on youth mental health (tandfonline.com)

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Planning and production

Author: Su Jing, National Level 2 Psychological Counselor

Reviewer: Fan Chunlei, Associate Researcher, Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences

Planning丨Lin Lin

Editor: Fu Sijia

Proofreading: Xu Lai, Lin Lin