Fish swimming against the current, the hesitation of a programmer in Beijing about whether to go or stay

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After working for more than four years, I finally submitted my resignation to my supervisor. After he accepted my resignation, I felt as light as a feather. To be honest, I haven’t been so happy in a long time. But today, the excitement has subsided. I feel like a fish swimming upstream, from a larger pond to a smaller pond, closer to home.

Before deciding whether to leave or not, I struggled for several days: Should I continue to work here for a while, or should I go to my girlfriend's small city now? It's not as simple as simply changing a job. This decision is about choosing a different life. She and I met in college and have been in love for nearly 6 years. I am two years older than her. We are from the same city and are both only children, so we didn't want to settle down in other cities from the beginning; after graduation, we lived in different places, and it has been four years since then. During this period, we were together less and more, and when we saw each other, we traveled day and night. If I say it's not hard, I'm lying to myself; she works in a public institution over there, her job is easy and stable, there is no pressure to buy a house for the time being, and it's close to home; both parents also hope to get married early, and her parents didn't make any other requirements, "Just one point, if you want to get married, you come first, and you two will be together first." However, for me, if I go there, first of all, my salary will be reduced by more than half, and the inland city that is not a provincial capital is naturally not comparable to first- and second-tier cities. What made me hesitate was my financial ability. On the one hand, I really didn't save much money. On the other hand, it was as if I hadn't accomplished something. I was a little unwilling to accept it, as if going to a small city would eliminate such a possibility. I even worried that when I went home for the New Year, someone would say that you graduated from a key university, but you didn't earn as much as those who went out to work after a technical school. I also wondered if I had failed my parents' expectations. However, looking back on the past four years, I didn't make any achievements. If I didn't go now, I couldn't bear to let her wait alone. I also felt guilty because I said I would go last year and stayed for another year because of a salary increase. When all these conditions and all the expectations are put together, there is no complete answer. I even think that some ideas are false, and even the weight of the weight of feelings has been weakened. Because you still don't understand what you really want and why you live.

In order to find the answer in my heart, I first tried to choose a direction: If I don't resign. I will work until the end of the year or the beginning of next year, and then leave after getting the year-end bonus. I found that I was resistant in my heart, and I felt very tired at work for a few days. Later, I thought, how useful can these extra months of salary be? I will waste several months of time together, and it is very likely to ruin this relationship. This attitude is not good for myself, her, and the company. If you don't have dreams and goals, it doesn't matter how long you stay. It's better to live for life than to work purely. So I resigned.

Wandering children are always looking for a way home. In the bag on my shoulders, there are the expectations of my parents, the wishes of my lover, and myself in the distance. In fact, we are fortunate that the Internet allows us to reach a depth and breadth far beyond your imagination. As long as I can access the Internet, I can cooperate with friends in Beijing or Shenzhen to develop, and I can also share new books and ideas with my friends. If a person locks himself up, no matter how big the city is, it is just a big birdcage for him. I once watched a movie called "The Beginning of Spring". In a small city, there is no stage, and then going to a big city, there is no opportunity either. It is very depressing to watch. Now it is different. The Internet has made the world flat. As long as you can connect to the world, it is the whole world. This may be a bit naive. From the perspective of employment development, if a small city has a single industry, the employment and development space are relatively narrow. If it is a third- or fourth-tier city with a relatively sound industry, the IT industry still has a certain growth space. So in practice, it still depends on the development space. Parents expect someone to accompany them, but they don’t like to see us around every day. Instead, they expect us to achieve something and come home often.

It is true that first- and second-tier cities have more opportunities and a strong entrepreneurial atmosphere. Several of my college classmates in Shenzhen are now starting their second business. Whether they succeed or not, I envy them and wish them well. I have also been invited to start a business several times, and I have participated in some of them, but I have never been fully committed; or I see new people who are only thinking about Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou and Shenzhen, and discussing the salaries of more than ten thousand or even more in big cities; or I see others sharing various large projects and cutting-edge technologies, and I feel a little unwilling. I also thought that if I hadn't had this relationship, maybe I would have gone to Shenzhen, but this is actually a ridiculous delusion. I am also still looking for my own dream, or someone who has a dream and charm. Many people in big cities commute for several hours every day, which is very hard to think about, but they are willing to persist, perhaps because of that hope. As it is said in "Skin", "I expect myself to live more realistically and honestly, to accept and even like every part of myself, so that I can like this world more. I hope I can handle and appreciate all kinds of desires, all kinds of ugliness and beauty of human nature, and find the best way to get along with them." You think others are having a hard time, but they may not think so themselves. You think a small place is comfortable and suitable for living, but he may be suffering in his heart. It is difficult to satisfy all kinds of human desires at the same time. "Taking" is a choice of your ability, and "giving up" may be a state of mind, or it may be helpless.

Now I am willing to be a fish swimming upstream, put aside some expectations for the time being, and realize them one by one.